18th Century Brain —

WARNING: This post is chock full of sarcasm and photos of obnoxious jackasses. There are even one or two NSFW photos as well, but if you’re already reading this then it’s too late and you may as well read on.

If there’s one place us fatties shouldn’t be roaming free, it’s dating sites.

I mean, really, people, let’s consider this.

For a minute, imagine that you’re one of the really beautiful people.

Not merely attractive.

Not “cute” or “pretty” or “handsome.”

Beautiful.

Arrestingly, irresistibly beautiful.

The kind of beauty that inspires epic poems and empty bank accounts.

The kind of beauty that occurs when two gorgeous people procreate, their genetic blessings comingling to forge a perfect beauty.

The kind of beauty the rest of the world doesn’t deserve, yet has the honor of existing beneath.

These people.

These Beautiful People.

You would think their lives would be perfect, but no.

For their beauty, it is a curse.

A CURSE I TELL YOU!!!

You see, in a world rife with uglies, there is much upward desire for Beautiful People.

Like the most splendid of goats at the peak of Mount Olympus, all lesser goats gaze in longing toward the Beautiful Goats.

And just as the Beautiful Goats must defend their place on Mount Olympus by head-butting lesser goats that challenge their rightful place, so too the Beautiful People must defend their place in our society by head-butting uglies back down where they belong.

Now, obviously, this is just a facsimile.

Beautiful People would never actually head-butt an ugly. For one thing, our beautiful heads wouldn’t deign to touch ugly. As if.

But more importantly, our beauty is a fragile, facial ecosystem. In one of Charles Darwin’s letters from the Regal Beagle, he explained to his wife, Tiffany, that her perfect beauty was the result of a succession of selective processes which weeded out the ugly.

He referred to it as Survival of the Fairest.

Now, as everyone knows, Charles Darwin was a hideous, hideous man. Honestly, who could have loved such a grizzled sack of flesh? Clearly he was an extremely wealthy individual for her to sleep in the same house as him.

In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept in the guest house.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes!

Eugenics.

I recently read about this fascinating project which helps Beautiful People meet other Beautiful People without mucking about on those common dating sites.

I mean, just for a second, imagine you’re one of the Beautiful People and you live in a small town where you are the only Beautiful Person. Where do you go to find another as worthy of your beauty as you are of theirs?

Sure, you could sign up on Match.com, but within minutes of joining, your inbox would be flooded with ugly profiles slobbering over you. Beautiful People shouldn’t endure such things.

And now, thanks to a couple of courageous entrepreneurs, Beautiful People have their own online dating gated community.

And get this… it’s called BeautifulPeople.com.

I know, right?

Basically, it’s this select group of Beautiful People from around the world who formed a super-secret clubhouse that only the beautifullest of the beautiful can join.

Here’s how it works…

You submit your photo and profile to BeautifulPeople.com and you are subjected to a HotorNot trial with the current members serving as judge and jury. If you’re over 50% hot, you’re in.

And you’ll never guess who’s in.

That’s right.

Atchka! is one of the Beautiful People.

No, I didn’t use a fake photo. I got in fair and square. And I’ve got unlimited access to all the Beautiful People I could possibly want to meet.

“But what about Veronica?” I hear you asking.

Listen, if your spouse got accepted to BeautifulPeople.com, you’d understand too. Sometimes Beautiful People have to live outside the socially-accepted moral structure in order to fulfill their beautiful obligations.

Now that I have been accepted as one of the Beautiful People, it is my responsibility to provide my seed to future beautiful generations, that we might one day live in a world free from ugliness and mediocrity.

I have been assigned the solemn duty of impregnating as many members of BeautifulPeople.com as possible. There are only five Beautiful People in St. Louis (seems a little high to me), but it’s a start. I’ll work my way toward Chicago.

That should take 10-15 workdays.

I figure I can clear the Northeast by Christmas if I really focus.

I just started exploring the site yesterday, so I’m not yet sure how they arrange the actual meeting, but I assume some sort of community calendar is involved.

Whatever the case, I have a busy year ahead of me. I’ll have to see if my office will give me paid sabbatical time.

So, this site is pretty interesting. You’ve got the profiles of the members, which is pretty much row after row of Greek gods and goddesses at your fingertips.

I haven’t actually spent that much time looking at them.

Instead, I’ve been fascinated by the Applicants section.

There are four categories in the Applicants section, “Women getting in,” “Women not getting in,” “Men getting in,” and “Men not getting in.”

If you want to learn the secret to being accepted on BeautifulPeople.com, you have to look at those not getting in and see just what they’re doing wrong.

For instance, despite it’s renowned power, Blue Steel does not guarantee your acceptance.

“Not enough,” you may be thinking. “I’ll just use that bizarre, overly-produced photo of me lounging nude among the cornucopia to entice women to vote for me.”

Then something attention-grabbing will surely do the trick, right? Maybe photoshopping yourself to look like Deadpool?

Yeah, sorry. Too creepy. But you know what’s even creepier? Posting that pic of yourself with your fantasy blowup doll…

But I think the most important thing you can do to avoid being excluded from the world’s most beautiful clubhouse is not post a photo of yourself fucking an ostrich.

Eye-catching, but probably not in the way that you were hoping.

But even avoiding a faux pas such as these does not guarantee you access to BeautifulPeople.com. I found two profiles that were inexplicably turned down.

For instance, apparantly being a legendary Mexican General who valiently fought against the dictatorial regime of an unconstitutional usurper is not enough.

Nor will your clever, entrepreneurial spirit win over any admirers.

Ya know, if this guy can’t make it in, what chance do the rest of us have?

And finally, even being an adorable cartoon won’t help your case, as we see with this Polish woman…

… and this Afghani man (named Stan).

There were a few common threads I noticed among the rejected pile. It seems that when men and women want to enhance their beauty, they turn to one of two sex-based techniques. For men, their model is John Belushi.

See?

For women, I’m not sure who the inspiration is a dog that just heard you open a package of bacon.

If these are your fallback maneuvers, fear not! There is one sure fire way to be accepted as on of the Beautiful People: build an iconic, timeless film career that is revered by millions (except the clueless dumbasses on BeautifulPeople.com).

But stupid or not, I have to admit that there are members of BeautifulPeople.com who actually have a heart. Take for instance these two lovely ladies (agest 79 and 78, respectively) who were accepted into the community.

And finally, for those curious as to whether any fatties find their way onto BeautifulPeople.com, especially after the “Festive Fatty” PR scheme, I can say that I did find one person who I am comfortable saying is a fatty and has not yet been booted from the site:

Assuming I don’t get kicked off in the next few days, when I plan to add my new profile picture…

… I will be spending some more time combing through the member profiles to BeautifulPeople.com. I’ve done a little bit of digging and my initial impression is that, for the most part, these people aren’t that beautiful.

Really.

I was expecting a sort of supermodel paradise, but a goodly number of the pictures are moderately attractive at best. Maybe the beauty average (based on Hollywood standards) is a little higher than most dating sites, but I would hardly say that they’ve limited their membership to the most beautiful people on earth.

And on top of that, those that rank highest seem to be those with the most externally altered appearance: fake boobs, fake lips, fake tan, fake eyelashes, fake hair… these “beautiful people” are simply reconstructed versions of their mediocre selves. Sure, there are some natural beauties, but there’s a whole helluva lot of engineered beauty on the site.

And, even more importantly, the sorts of people who would join a dating site that caters exclusively to “beautiful” people must, by definition, possess a level of insecurity and superficiality that negates whatever beauty they may possess externally.

So, maybe if you’re looking for arm candy or a trophy beau or a trophy wife, this is your one-stop shop. But if you’re looking for a meaningful, long-lasting relationship, BeautifulPeople.com is a deadend.

When I interviewed Greg Hodge, Managing Director of BeautifulPeople.com, I asked him about this press release boasting of their rejection of 1.8 million ugly people (notice that if you’re not beautiful, you’re ugly… no in between) why the top 10 countries for beautiful men and women include only three non-European countries.

He went on to explain that when a person from a certain country (let’s say Canada) adds their profile, everyone on the site can vote for them, but their fellow Canadians get a greater say with their vote. Basically, you get a greater say in what is and isn’t beautiful for a Canadian.

Supposedly, this ensures that cultural standards of beauty are given more weight than some homogenous international standard.

Supposedly.

So, as an illustration of just how fake this site is, I went searched member profiles by country and noticed something unusual. See if you notice it too.

Still jealous of us Beautiful People?