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Beauty is in the “I” of the Beholder

August 8, 2024
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“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” In my world, this is enough of a “disclaimer” to give full license to people in defining beauty any way they choose.

Slow fade to a conversation with Another Person in “Dr. Deah’s Hollywood.”

Dr.D.: “I think ______ is beautiful.”

A.P.: “O.K. And I think [something different] is beautiful.”

Dr.D.: “Cool. Have you seen any good movies lately?”

And the conversation would continue, amicably.

But in real life, beauty is a topic that generates controversy with an intensity not dissimilar to religion, gender identity, or whether Yoko broke up the Beatles.

For something that is so subjective, it is surprising that there is little, or no, room for diversity in what is considered beautiful and what isn’t. After all, in many subjective matters I am entitled to my opinion and you to yours. But in the matter of beauty, not only am I preached to and bombarded incessantly with one set of standards about what is beautiful, I am ostracized when I have a different opinion.

The importance of beauty is so ingrained into our society’s collective consciousness it has become synonymous with good and successful. It is not just an adjective used to describe the desirable physical qualities of someone, and hence an inevitable prerequisite for sexual attraction, it is also used to express admiration over something really, really great!

“That’s a beauty!” (What a great car!)

“She’s a real beaut!” (What a great boat!)

“How was your vacation? Beautiful!” (Best vacation ever!)

Yet in these instances, whether it be in Dr. Deah’s Hollywood or Dr. Deah’s Real-Life-Excellent-Adventure… rarely does bigotry prevail or self-esteems get crushed. Sure, my idea of a great vacation may be completely different from yours, but I don’t think either one of us would have our feelings hurt if you prefer Hawaii and I prefer Paris. In the non-human milieu of beauty, there is more latitude for respectful disagreement. We can quibble over whether a Porsche is better than a Ferrari, but one of us won’t walk away feeling like a freak because we are attracted to one over the other. If I find the flute part of the Brandenburg Concerto to be beautiful enough to bring tears to my eyes and you are bowled over by Miles Davis’ trumpet in Kind of Blue, we may disagree, but I won’t walk away feeling like a failure, the way I might if I “come out” and declare I find beauty in a woman that is not a Hollywood Beauty or you tell me that I’d be beautiful if I would JUST LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

When I presented at the Popular Culture Association Conference I showed a portion of the DVD, Leftovers, the Ups and Downs of a Compulsive Eater which ends with three women of various sizes, but all considered fat by today’s American standards, looking in their mirrors and announcing, “I am a beautiful woman.” A women in the audience commented that she loved Leftovers, but wished that the ending had not depicted women asserting that they were beautiful. She would have preferred their epiphany to be, “I am a brilliant woman,” or, “I am a strong woman,” or, “I am a powerful woman.”

I totally agreed with her. The emphasis our society places on beauty is exaggerated and disempowering. On the other hand it takes a strong, powerful, brilliant woman to stand up in front of thousands of people — big thighs, big butt, big belly and all — and tell the world that she is beautiful. And if the definition of beauty is not just confined to physical attractiveness in the realm of sexual attraction, these women were also saying that they are beautiful in their minds, bodies, spirits, intentions, etc.

Some may have applied beautiful to their conviction that they would not allow anyone to convince them that because they did not look like the latest incarnation of Jennifer Aniston, they were ugly, and just big, fat failures. I’m not picking on J.A. by the way, but why is it that so much weight is placed on just one aspect of a person that is often the result of the “luck of the genetic draw” or the fashion of the century that person is living in? Why does our society continue to attach qualities of worth and value on a woman’s beauty, and then define beauty so narrowly that attaining it is reserved for such a small portion of the population?

Years ago in his book, Ways of Seeing by John Berger, wrote:

The spectator-buyer is meant to envy herself as she will become if she buys the product. She is meant to imagine herself transformed by the product into an object of envy for others, an envy which will then justify her loving herself. One could put this another way: the publicity image steals her love of herself as she is and offers it back to her for the price of the product.

Unfortunately, we’ve made little progress since Berger wrote that astute and scathing remark in 1972. But I have hope. There is a film coming out in October by the documentary filmmaker Darryl Roberts. Some of you may have seen Mr. Robert’s last film, America the Beautiful. The sequel, America the Beautiful 2 also explores the controversy surrounding beauty and asks what is considered beautiful, who is defining beauty, who is financing beauty, and who are the victims of this “one size fits all” mandate of what is beautiful?

In addition, the new film discusses the manufacturing of the obesity crisis and the big money behind perpetuating the sales pitch that fat is not only ugly, it is unhealthy as well. Like our societal definition of beauty, these assertions are also embedded in our culture’s point of view and leave little room for dissent.

The message that Darryl Roberts is sharing needs to become part of our collective consciousness. He is providing people with an opposing opinion and suggesting that we have permission to express that opinion. And express it we must. It is a matter of human kindness. It is a matter of telling the truth and not allowing the diet industry, drug companies, and the media to continue to hold our self-esteem ransom for the price of a week’s supply of frozen pre-packaged food. We have the strength, the power, and the numbers to reclaim the right to make our own definitions of beauty and I think that it is in the I of the beholder.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Jessica Van Den Elzen permalink
    August 8, 2024 4:21 pm

    <3

  2. Sarah permalink
    August 8, 2024 7:48 pm

    Fantastic post. There is beauty in actions, choices, words, kindness and physical body that have nothing to do with the narrow definition we see expressed in society.

    America the Beautiful 2 sounds like a must watch!

  3. dr deah permalink
    August 8, 2024 8:41 pm

    Thank you Jessica and Sarah. I really appreciate the kind words and am glad you both enjoyed the post!

  4. ivan permalink
    August 9, 2024 1:12 am

    where have I been? this is the first post I noticed from you and am so glad you are participating here at FFF. I’m not sure if I agree we have the numbers to make a significant impact yet, but maybe (hopefully) I am wrong, Look forward to more posts and the movie in October.

  5. CollieMom01 permalink
    August 9, 2024 8:39 am

    Lovely post. :D Interestingly enough, I happened to catch Margaret Cho’s latest dvd, Beautiful, this weekend and she spoke a bit to the cultural milieu re: beauty, as she often does. While I agree that beauty can be about all kinds of things-like thoughts, deeds, kindness to others, etc., and it would be a wonderful world indeed if women (in particular) were not given worth based on their appearance, I think it can also be extremely empowering to claim our physical beauty as well, especially because we hear so often how lacking we are. Margaret said that she’s decided to tell herself that she is beautiful and that she things everyone (in the audience) should tell themselves the same because she’s looking at them and they are all beautiful. I got a little teary at that. We are so much more than a body, but boy, being able to connect with the inherent wonder and beauty that is our physical being is pretty special. too. So to everyone reading this: You’re beautiful. Period.

  6. dr deah permalink
    August 9, 2024 9:49 am

    Thanks Ivan, and no worries, I’m relatively new on the bloggin’ crew! @Colliemom TRUE TRUE TRUE! Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts!

  7. atchka permalink*
    August 9, 2024 10:21 am

    Were the diversity of beauty truly embraced by our culture, so many industries would be in trouble. They depend upon a monolithic definition of beauty, as you said, and the enforcement of that monolith can often become the mission of those who fully embrace its “truth.” I think that self-governing aspect of beauty is built into the paradigm: those who aren’t beautiful aren’t working hard enough to achieve beauty. It is their failure, rather than the arbitrary definitions of cultural beauty, that needs to be changed!

    And the thing is, most of it is aimed, successfully, at women. Study after study after study shows that what men say they prefer is less strict than what women *believe* men prefer. And that belief is what all of the Beauty Industry is indoctrinating in young women. They have essentially succeeded with white women in terms of weight loss and commercial products, and now they are turning toward minority women, and gradually men as well. If they can get all of society to believe that beauty is objective and our failure to achieve their standards is a personal failure, then they will have produced a never-ending supply of self-dissatisfied customers who contribute to the cycle of self-loathing that permeates our culture.

    Thanks for sharing the link to the film. I’ll definitely have to check it out.

    Peace,
    Shannon

  8. Mari permalink
    August 9, 2024 7:18 pm

    If beauty were some singular standard then everyone would decorate their home the same way, everyone would have the same paintings on their wall. NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE. NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. You ARE beautiful.

    In regards to what you said about liking a certain car, music, etc. etc. I have actually had people make me feel like there is something wrong with me for having an opinion about those types of things too! Insult me even because I happen to prefer a different car or a different type of music! I think the root of the problem is that people aren’t taught to respect differences in opinion. People need to be taught from a very early age that their opinion isn’t any more significant than the opinion of anyone else. They need to be taught that opinion, though it feels important to them, isn’t all that significant in the grand scheme of things, and that it’s just a passing feeling that can even change with time.

    • Faycin A Croud permalink
      August 10, 2024 11:17 am

      I have the same thing happen to me-being mocked or put down for my tastes in music or my thoughts and ideas on the Universe or what happens after the death of the body. Consequently I tend to be very reluctant to share my thoughts and feelings on such things.

  9. vesta44 permalink
    August 9, 2024 7:28 pm

    I think we have another troll - click on his name and it takes you to a YouTube video that is pretty disgusting (I don’t recommend watching it, I had to go watch vids of puppies and kittens to get the nastiness out of my mind). So, BFRB, and RB (same person, clicking on their names takes you to same video), you need to get a clue and until then, either MYOB or STFU. You won’t get fed here.

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