What is SHE doing here?
Trigger warning… I talk about weight loss in this post. I talk about a crazy diet in this post. I tell you my weight in this post… and my pant size. It’s just because all that’s important to really know why I am here… but if it’s going to be an issue, I would suggest you skip it.
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So I suppose a little background is in order here… because I am all about the FA, and I am totally proud to be here frolicking amongst the Fierce, Freethinking Fatties (TM Pending:).
But… looking at me, or just randomly passing on the street, the first descriptive word that pops into your head is not going to be “fat” (well, unless you’re Ralph Lauren or Karl Lagerfeld). Nor is it going to be the second or third word.
Let’s face it. I’m not actually fat.
On the outside.
The girl inside my head is fat. (and probably always will be).
You see, I was a big baby. I was a chubby toddler. I was a chunky kid. I was a fat teenager. I was (according to the “perfeshionalz” who measure these things) a “morbidly obese” young adult.
And now I am not.
Yes. I lost weight. Yes. I kept it off. Going on nine years… I suspect that it’s not coming back. I am one of the 5%. My results are not typical.
Why is that? I have no idea. Before I discovered FA, I had no clue that losing weight and keeping it off was as ridiculously improbable as it is. I had no history of yo-yo dieting… the longest I had ever stuck to a “diet” prior to the one I did stick to was approximately 10 hours (ok, MAYBE 20). So, no ups and downs… just a steady progress of “up” my whole life until I snapped and I decided to diet and then a whole lot of down.
After that, I didn’t really understand why other people who complained about their weight didn’t just “go on a diet”. No… really, I TOTALLY didn’t understand… because NO ONE I ever encountered prior to my discovery of all things FA EVER mentioned anything like… “Wow, you are a complete statistical freak - I wonder what’s so different about you that you have kept this weight off!” Nope… My Dr. just acted like it was a totally normal thing… Of course, the general public also took it as a normal thing, because THEY DON”T KNOW EITHER just how improbable my story is.
I’m not saying it was “easy” to lose 50% of my body weight. And the damage I did to my body, soul, and metabolism while on my crazy low calorie, high exercise diet took YEARS to set right… but the fact is, here I am, nine years later and while I might move up and down in a 10 poundish range… I have not regained the 135 pounds I lost. I suspect I probably wont.
So that’s the back story… but why the FA? Well, there are a few reasons…
- I spent 27 years being fat and living as a fat person in the United States. That’ll leave some scars on you (as well you know). I think it’s very important for other people to NOT experience that. For my nieces and nephews (because I am not having any kids myself, thank you) to grow up in a place that will allow them to be who they are and how they are without being mocked, judged, teased, picked on, humiliated, etc. etc. etc. just for the size pants they wear.
- If someone had told me about FA and HAES when I was, I dunno, 18? 22? 25? I think my life might have been a bit different. What with maybe having an opportunity to learn to love myself as I was… and being told that I could, in fact, change to healthier eating habits and find some kind of movement my body would benefit from and I would enjoy and it wouldn’t be a HORRIBLE TORTURE if I approached it as a way to embrace the best life I could live and the best person I could be without hating myself and turning to sugary cakey snacks for comfort all the time. I am older and wiser now than when I was 25.I have had some battles and I was lucky enough to win and come out sane and relatively in love with myself on the other side. But not everyone is so lucky. FA is a bulwark for those people and I think it’s important to hold it up.
- As a person who HAS lost weight, I find that sharing information about the statistics of dieting, health, BMI, the actual impact of fat on health, etc… is, um, paid more attention to (I assume because I’m “not making excuses”)? People ask me how I lost weight. Before I knew about FA, I would just tell them… “eat less, exercise more”, “calories in, calories out” “3500 calories in a pound of fat”. (to be fair… that IS how it worked for me)… But I never gave the more disturbing details… 1000 calories a day for 10 months. Exercise 1000 calories a day for the same 10 months. lose 2 pounds a week… but also, lose quite a bit of hair… and muscle… and, um, yeah, the ability to burn more than 1000 calories in a day.But now? The FIRST thing I mention when people ask me how I lost weight was how unhealthy it was. I tell them about the effects of strict dieting on the body. I tell them it took me 2 years before I could eat more than 1200 calories in a day without gaining significant amounts of weight. And then I tell them about HAES… and how adding some healthy food and exercise to their lives might not burn pounds as fast, or, heck, at all, but that they will be HEALTHIER… if that’s what they are actually after. I tell them how BMI is BS. I tell them about the impacts of Yo-Yo dieting on their bodes and their health. I tell them all that. Because people need to know - even if they do then choose to diet (which is totally their right too)
So there it is, that’s why I am here. That’s why I wave the FA flag, and hope to promote FA and HAES in my own little circle of the world.
In case you are not totally bored yet, here are some facts about me that will probably come up eventually and inform much of my existence.
- I play Roller Derby. I adore it. You should play too. (yes, seriously, you.) It’s awesome.
- I fully admit that I “watch my weight”. Some people don’t. I have no issue with that. I attach no moral significance to the watching or not watching of weight. For myself, though… I have a range of weight / size at which I am most comfortable and I have no intention of going above OR below it. When I say I “watch” it, I mean… if it starts going up, I eat less. If it starts going down, I eat more.
- Hell, while we are all “full disclosuring,” I’ll go ahead and tell you. When I was 27, I weighed 275 pounds. I wore a size 26. Now, at age 35, I wear a size 10. I weigh between 130 and 140 pounds (on my scale, which is the only one I care about, because it’s not the ACTUAL number I care about, just that it stays in generally the same place). Some people (who live in Hollywood) would still call me fat. I am fine with that too (but screw them, anyway).
- I had a tummy tuck last year. You can’t lose that much weight without coming out with way more skin than you need. Sometimes body acceptance requires a little help, and for me, that help came in the form of removing 5 pounds of flappy skin that hung on my abdomen. If you are interested, you can read the entire tummy tuck saga… I blogged the whole thing… I thought it might be good for other people contemplating a tuck to know exactly what I went through. If you are not interested, also fine. I will not apologize for the surgery, though… seriously the best thing I have ever done totally for myself.
- I in no way think anyone should ever be forced to go on a diet, or be told that they are bad for weighing “too much”. However, neither do I think those who do decide to diet should be demonized. I fully support the right of all people to be in control of their own bodies and health. Whatever state those bodies or that health is in. It’s none of my business. I am not the boss of anyone. BUT! I will not feel bad for simultaneously waving the fat acceptance flag AND forgoing that piece of cake if my pants are feeling a little tight. I can do both.
- How much do I love cake? I have a tattoo of cake on my thigh. My next tattoo is going to be a celebration of my relationship with my husband, to whom I have been married for 13 years… but the cake was first. THAT’S how I feel about cake.
This has gone on a little longer than I had expected… but I do tend to get a bit wordy. Still, it’s not like I can’t post a whole new blog post any time I want.
So… Welcome to triple F! I hope we have fun!
Trackbacks
- I am a Fat-o-sphere Refugee « We Are The Real Deal Body Image Blog
- I am a Fat-o-sphere Refugee : We Are the Real Deal
- Aufedersein, Goodbye — « Fierce, Freethinking Fatties
Very glad to meet you! And wave that flag, and the Roller Derby flag, as much as you want to!
Great post. And really nailed what I want FFFs to be. Your perspective may not be typical of most in FA, but it is certainly an enlightening one. Welcome to the fold!
Peace,
Shannon
Incredible post! And by the way I am totally all over that roller derby idea right about now. My weight has been and always will be all over the map due to a wide range of factors. Procreation, boredom, fits of rage, age etc. but I love your back story!
Holy shit 135? Great job. That has me beat.
Um…it’s not a competition. And a lower number is not always better. If you don’t have a firm grasp on those facts, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING ON AN FA SITE???
I wasn’t aware there were credentials for being here.
Amy, it’s not so much that credentials are needed as Tom Brokaw is a notorious troll who prizes weight loss and thinness, and Simone was wondering aloud why he would even read our blog if those goals were so important to him.
As far as the original post, No Celery Please is commenting on the fact that some people in Fat Acceptance don’t believe you can be pursuing weight loss and participate in the discussion. At the time NCP blogged with us, she was on the National Weight Loss registry and was actively pursuing maintenance in terms of diet (as in what she eats) and exercise. Despite her personal choices, she understands the science and futility of weight loss, while pursuing it for her own personal reasons. You can read her archive and judge for yourself.
In any case, FFFs policy is that we don’t care what your personal choices are, or even your opinion on FA issues, so long as you are not being an asshole.
So welcome! I hope you enjoy!
Peace,
Shannon
wow… I am so glad to have read your post, You’re unique and I am glad to have heard your voice and grateful for FFF to have made that happen.
Cheers,
Ivan
*has finally subscribed to the blog* Sorry I’m late. Thank you for sharing your experience with us! Results not typical indeed. Looking forward to reading more of your posts!
Wow. Just…wow.
This kind of post is exactly what’s been missing from Fat Acceptance and I’m so proud of you for writing it. It’s amazing to see these thoughts put into words.
The line about “1000 calories a day for 10 months. Exercise 1000 calories a day for the same 10 months. lose 2 pounds a week… but also, lose quite a bit of hair… and muscle…” This kind of honesty is what’s needed to demystify dieting.
I’ve searched through celebrity weight loss stories and I find it immensely fascinating how little they talk about numbers.
How long did it take? How many calories a day? How much exercise a day? How much weight loss each week? Somehow those details are often glossed over.
And you cut right through that bullsh*t. Which is why I must repeat myself in saying…you’re amazing.
I know, right? Hooray for diversity!
Peace,
Shannon
aw, now I’m blushing
Lovely post.
Btw not to nitpick, and not that it’s that important, but if ur sharing ur weight and size, perhaps u should share ur height?
It’s one of the things that I don’t get about weight and size discussions - people forget the relevance of height
Wow, you are totally right - I never think about how TALL I am when discussing weight….. something to put in my “keep this in mind” bag.
5’7″, BTW…
Wow, big change, extreme diet. I’m not totally sure whether I should say congrats or offer apologies. Maybe congrats on loss and maintenance, holy cow on how you got there. I don’t blame you at all for your tummy tuck, completely reasonable (imo). Losing weight is absolutely not nearly as easy as everyone thinks, though it doesn’t have to be as extreme as your way. I’m at 147, from 213 (documented) high, and it’s taken me 1.5 years to lose this last 50 pounds that I’ve been watching. I’m size 8, BMI 25 exactly, and still feel fat. Body image is a bitch, aye? I doubt I ever eat less than 2000 kcal/day, unless I’m ill, or it’s the day after Thanksgiving and I’m still stuffed. I actually went and learned what many who believe in HAES do, learn to listen to my body, eat intuitively, and move to feel good, and that’s what I do. Of course I do it with the goal of weight loss, and I exercise a lot, but I’m comfortable and content and don’t feel guilty nor restricted about food. This requires constant vigilance, as I was always a binger, it’s about 180 turn from that, didn’t come natural.
However, since I think that 95% failure rate is bullshit (don’t believe me? look for the origin of the stat), and I think that most of those who fail do so not because of genetic reasons, but because of lack of patience and consistency, and unreasonable expectations, I don’t really have much in common with most of FA. I’m comfortable doing what I’m doing, now working on finding long term sustainability with both lifestyle and psychology.
Julie,
That’s what I loves about HAES - it’s not extreme or damaging. I can’t eat 2000 calories a day, because I permanently hosed my metabolism. Maintaining my current weight = 1600 calories a day. Now… that’s not to say I NEVER go over that, but not on a regular basis. I, personally, do not feel deprived or restricted at that level, due to the choices I make on what I eat, but I understand that some people might.
However, the HAES approach is all about making healthy choices of nutrition and movement WITHOUT expecting crazy fast results, and therefore WITHOUT making crazy issues for your body like I have made for mine. It’s what I consider the least damaging approach if a person IS attempting to lose weight - slow, slow… over time.
And it’s why if people DO ask me about my experience, I always try to steer the conversation to HAES.
I think the question “Could most people become thin if they tried hard enough” is academically interesting. In terms of what guides our actions, however, it is simply the wrong one to be asking. The question should be “How can we create a culture which encourages healthy behavior, and doesn’t cause undue misery to those whose bodies differ from the norm?” Or, alternatively, “How can each of us take the best possible care of our bodies, given our diverse priorities, goals, and genetic endowments?”
I think the answers to either of these questions would involve of heck of a lot less emphasis on dieting than we have in our society right now. Doesn’t mean dieting is useless to everyone, but I think it’s way, way overprescribed.
You know, I also wonder sometimes of the high failure rate of diets and weight loss plans is due to the unreasonable expectations people have in the first place. Maybe, maybe not. But if people only tried to lose small amounts of weight when, say, they realize they have been overeating and not listening to their body’s needs, or have not been active… Maybe they would be more
successful and that would not make all fat people thin, I’m talking about small changes that have to do with each persons comfort levels and health….
Of course I could just be kidding myself thinking that. And in any case none of that means anyone is required to lose weight or should be judged for not doing so! Of course!
Hmm, yeah. I think a big part of the whole getting to a healthy place with regards to body image, diet, etc. is realizing how beautifully different our bodies are.
For example, I am a good six inches shorted than NCP, and a lot less active, but we have similar weight ranges. And I know from experience that trying to push my body below that range does *bad things* to me. I’m cold all the time, and my periods happen on a nerve-wracking lack-of-schedule.
I just really, really wish that more folks recognized that the fact that a given number represents a healthy weight for one person, or even most people, or the average person, or whatever, doesn’t mean that weight is right for everyone. And that figuring out a happy weight for ones own body involves a lot of guesswork, experimentation, and willingness to tell societal expectations to go f*ck themselves.
What do you mean? I thought we’re all supposed to be 5’8″, 135 lbs. with lush, melon-like breasts, a sylphic waist and a rounded (but not big) ass.
That’s what I’ve been aiming for.
Peace,
Shannon
U sounds hot. Pics plz?
\okcupid message
I’m the one on the left, but this was taken 40 pounds ago. I’m much thinner now, but not quite perfect yet.
Peace,
Shannon
Wow. I haven’t laughed so hard in weeks! Thanks for that.
Any time.
Peace,
Shannon