Someday, Idiot Girls Really Will Rule the World
Picture this. It’s a blazing hot summer day in Washington DC. I’m alone, running late and nearly bursting into tears trying to find a parking space within a fifteen block radius of the freaking book store. Why? Because my favorite author is doing a reading and subsequent signing of her most recent work The Idiot Girl and the Flaming Tantrum of Death. Her name is Laurie Notaro, and she is spectacular.
Now, cut back to today.
Have you ever been left out? Lonely? Caught outside drunk and in your underwear? Spent hours with aloof boutique saleswomen who claim their store doesn’t carry your size? Fended off barbs from your disgusted mother? Laurie knows how you feel. She’s bumbled through all those experiences and more while battling fat bias, making people roar with laughter and writing seven best-selling books. No one can fuck up as royally or cut people off at the knees as amusingly as Laurie Notaro can. She has the ability to make you think deeply about various issues and then without pause in the next breath make you one of her new drinking buddies. You have to love someone who once threatened to eat a vegetarian in mock retaliation for PETA’s controversial “Save the Whales” billboard that caused such a kerfuffle a few months back.
Strangely enough I read her first book blissfully unaware that she was overweight and had battled for years to be taken seriously as a columnist and then an author. It helps that she comes from hearty Brooklyn Italian stock with a spinal column made of steel and pointy steel toed shoes to kick the shit out of anyone in her way. I also secretly wish for a King Kong vs. Godzilla type match up where her overbearing guilt tossing mother battles it out with mine. (I mean does anybody dole it out better than the Roman Catholics?)
Notaro has built a huge legion of followers simply because she is a wickedly funny every woman. Whip smart while simultaneously charming and real, she leads her readers through her world like they are by her side during these rip-roaring exploits and so indoctrinates them into the club where they are welcomed with open arms. She also has the distinction of being the only other Italian American I’ve ever known who had a meatball pyramid at her wedding reception. Trust me, it IS as glorious as it sounds.
But back to my mad dash through the crowded city………..
I arrive in time to find a seat to see if her delivery of the well read lines packs more of a punch than my drab internal voice. I find my space, dart through traffic on foot and circle the building that is draped in scaffolding pending some sort of repair. The entrance is either accessable only by secret password or super strength as all doors are sealed shut. While mumbling about the city infrastructure going to hell in a handbasket I eventually uncover a door . I burst in on the hushed crowd who are gathered around in awestruck reverence and apologize for ruining the tranquil classy atmosphere with my loud mouth and clicky shoes. Then I take my seat. To add to the humiliation, the bookstore employee who is attached to Laurie’s hip hushes me and doles out the stink eye. I survey my surroundings and see idiot girls abound. The place is packed and Laurie is on her game. She has the crowd in stitches within seconds and adds strange whirling tangents to nearly every sentence she reads. My kind of girl.
When it comes time to line up for the signing we all spend endless hours talking about how we found Laurie, what we love about her and how wonderful it is to be part of club that doesn’t require you to spend time stifling your inner buffoon. Straight, gay, fat, middle-sized, thin- everyone brought together by a common thread.
After hours of standing in line I finally have my chance in the sun. What do I do with this golden opportunity? I squander it by comparing the wait time to that experienced by those requesting an audience with the Pope. Is she insulted? No. She good-naturedly pretends to be honored (she’s Catholic you know) and asks for a good restaurant recommendation. I give it to her but mistakenly mention that the area she has to walk through to get there is less than savory. Her signature inside my book?
“Kelly, thanks so much for reading and for being an idiot girl. Also thanks for terrifying me and making me think I need to hold on to my purse on the way back to my car”.
You welcome Laurie, and we love you.
www.laurienotaro.com
My apologies for switching whiplash like between past and present tense. Sorry y’all.
OK… just went to my Library site and placed her first book on hold - she sounds hilarious!
Your tense switches remind me of Kate Atkinson.
Great post… this could have been a Woman of the Week post. You really honored her well. I’ll have to check her out. Great job.
Peace,
Shannon
Why thank you! My love of her sort of borders on obsession but she really deserves it. Love me some Notaro.
For a second I thought you wrote, “Love me some Nutella,” which I could completely sympathize with.
Peace,
Shannon
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Nutelllllllllaaaaaaaaaa.
I love me some Nutella as well. Nutella on white Wonder bread with a marshmallow Fluff chaser. Hello third grade! I can name at least ten kids who had this four days a week at lunch with our five cent milk. Day five you got a bananna sliced on your sandwich for health!
Dude, take a glob of Nutella and put it in the middle of some Pillsbury croissant’s before you bake them. To fucking die for!
Peace,
Shannon
Great book review! I’ll see if my library has a copy.
And OMG MMMMM Nutella! *squee*
what is nutella? is it possible I have clocked 43 years and missed out on something delicious?
cheers,
ivan
Oh Ivan…
How do you get to be a fully grown adult in NYC without ever having had the tasty wonderment of Nutella?
Get thee to the grocery store, man!
http://www.nutellausa.com/
(I prefer it on toasted white bread, but Shannon’s suggestion of crescent rolls is good too)
Seriously? Ivan you need to go on an investigative mission to secure yourself some of this wonder spread.
I’m going to try the crescent roll suggestion this afternoon.
now I have the mission impossible theme ( tv show, not U2 Movie version) running through my head as I plan my trip to the grocery store for the needed supplies to complete the mission.
Oh shit, I just copied your “Get thee to the grocery store.” I thought that sounded familiar.
Peace,
Shannon
Hey, nobody told you what Nutella actually is. It’s hazelnut and chocolate spread and it is quite possibly the best thing to happen to jars since California hot mix. Get thee to a bakery!
Peace,
Shannon
nutella purchased and sampled…. while quite tasty, I sadly, and not head over heels in love. delicious, yes! glad I tried it, yes, bes thing since sliced ham, nope.
believe it or not, I am actually craving fruit right now. it is 4am so I am not going to the market, I will wait for morning.
4 am? Get thee to bed!
I’m used to hearing “get thee to a nunnery” or was it a convent?
Shakespeare is equal opportunity for quote abuse!
Nunnery. Which makes it sound like they have a conveyor belt filled with women getting stamped with habits.
Nuns are so hot.
Peace,
Shannon