Guilt
Guilt… I have it… oh yes.
I grew up Catholic. And while I was around 12 when I realized I didn’t actually believe any of what I was being taught… there’s one lesson that stuck.
And that is this:
My feelings are the least important of anyone on the planet. If I am going to do something, and it makes anyone else, ANYWHERE, even the slightest bit uncomfortable, then I had better not do it, because other people’s feelings, thoughts, and opinions are more important than mine.
Oh how I fight against this ingrained lesson.
I am currently going through some personal business where I want to do this thing. A perfectly reasonable thing, it’s not illegal or anything… I would put it on par with taking a new job, perhaps.
But I am paralyzed with guilt, because there are some people who might feel a little bit bad about my decision.
Now, I will eventually get over this, put on my big girl panties, and decide to do what is best for me. But in the mean time, guilt is there…
But that’s really just the situation that got me thinking about how society uses guilt to control people. Their behaviors, thoughts, attitudes… so much of our society is driven by the need to make sure that everyone but ourselves is happy.
Now, OK, in some cases that’s good, because it keeps us from hitting out neighbor over the head and taking his stereo.
But it is also used to make people think they have to look a certain way or else it will…
What?
What, exactly is it that I should feel guilty for if I don’t fit into the ideal beauty standard for my society?
Why should I shave my legs just to avoid making someone else who has issues with body hair uncomfortable? (well, that’s not the only reason I shave, I also kinda like how smooth skin feels under my fingers… but I’d probably do it WAY less often if it were just that).
Why should I avoid eating that giant cookie in public because I am worried about what other people will think of me… EATING A COOKIE!
If someone is made uncomfortable by my existence… it is not up to me to change ME in order to make them feel less uncomfortable.
But that’s the message society sends… fit in, fit in, be like everyone else… standard size, shape, hair, color, etc… or else other people might feel awkward… and YOU DON’T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT!!!
It’s a hard thing to jettison, but I will keep working on it. I have many areas of my life now where I actually can look at other people feeling uncomfortable about some aspect of me that is none of their business and find it amusing.
But guilt is still an ugly monkey on my back in some other situations. I’ll continue to work on prying it off.
Interesting post, kinda two parts in my mind, since I never really associated bodily stuff with guilt, so much.
My daughter is eleven, and I have told her that there are a million social rules about grooming and none of them are mandatory except keeping clean and brushing your teeth. Everyone decides how much they’re going to conform to the rules, like shaving, wearing deoderant, wearing make-up, styling your hair. Some people are going to criticize whatever you do, so the best thing is to not worry about what anyone else says.
At least I keep trying to tell her that, but she gets so fucking embarrassed when I try to talk about anything physical that I know she’s actively tuning me out. Sigh. So be it. She’ll learn the hard way like the rest of us.
As for guilt, it ain’t just for Catholics, though I’ll grant they’ve done a fine job of institutionalizing it. Even us atheists get wracked with it on a regular basis. I get all pissed off at myself for feeling guilty because so what, right? And then I get the guilts for being so selfish as to not want to feel guilty. Oy.
Ah Catholicism, is there no end to the blessings you bestow upon your children?
I had the same issue with guilt… I didn’t eat in the lunchroom in my high school for three years because I was afraid that if I sat down at a table and the other people didn’t want me there, then I would be putting them on the spot.
I’m constantly apologizing for every little thing. It’s like a nervous tic.
And as far as concern about what other people think of you eating a cookie, that really pisses me off. Especially when somebody says something like, “Well, fat people are fat because they eat crap. I look in the carts of fat people at the store…”
Well what the fuck? Why is that any of your GD business? Is your life really so perfect that you’re free to meddle in others’?
Peace,
Shannon
Let’s not be too hasty to condemn those of us who find it perfectly acceptable to wallop our neighbor with a large object and take his stereo.
I know what you mean about the Catholicism.
It’s like they implanted a device that goes off whenever guilt could be a handy weapon. I think I remember Sister Pat delivering mine via head smash with a large dusty textbook.
What a great post NCP… I can relate on so many ways but the one sticking out right now because it’s so recent I guess is I recently stopped chemically straightening my hair and decided to embrace my kinky curls that we black woman are blessed with (although a few months ago, I thought of these kinky curls as a curse).
So I chopped off ALL of my hair and am rocking a teeny weeny afro. Although I’m gonna let it grow, I’m loving my short hair and my kinky curls. But here comes the irrationality that is me. I was applying for a job and was VERY NERVOUS about the interview because I didn’t want to make the southern white guy (I would be interviewing with) uncomfortable. I was no longer trying to conform and fit in and I was scared that my hair was “too black” for him to be comfortable with.
Well, the interview never came to be but I was so upset with myself for even having this thought especially since I love my new hair even if it no longer looks like society’s ideal.
Roxy,
I watched Chris Rock’s Documentary “Good Hair” this week… and om my god, it made me SO SAD!
All these women paying so much money and poisoning and burning themselves or sitting for hours and hours in a chair getting weaves - and for what? Because society says only straight hair is pretty?
And I have always been SOOOOOOOO jealous of black women with their curly hair. It can be grown long and curly, or stuck out straight into an afro or made into cool locks or braids.
Any time I see one of those “natural black” hairdos, I look at my flat hair and WISH I could rock an awesome nubby afro or something like that.
And here’s all these people putting acid on their heads to straighten it out.
Ah well… kudos to you for going natural… I wish I had some of those kinky curls!
I would actually hesitate, if I were you, to pass any judgment on the motives of African American females in their hairstyling choices. Consider that film to be a small bit of education — not an overall perspective. I — for instance — would never assume that a person’s sole motive for trying to lose weight is rooted in the absurd beauty/weight standards of the mainstream.
Also, this post isn’t so much about guilt as it is a long, roundabout way of you saying that you feel uncomfortable eating a giant cookie in public — and having hairy legs. The conversation shouldn’t really end there — are you making progress, and how?
Lastly, if society is setting oppressive standards and you are a part of that society, in what ways have you been complicit in that oppression?
I don’t think that I said all African American women were motivated by absurd beauty standards… but the ones in the film were, almost universally, and that is what made me sad.
And yes, everyone in society who isn’t constantly railing against oppressive standards is complicit in maintaining them. But sometimes, it’s just easier to go with the flow than stand out. Just because I don’t like something, doesn’t mean I have the energy to fight it. For example - I will take time and energy to fight against the oppressive standards society has in place for gay people. But I will just whine and complain about the leg shaving thing… it’s not worth the energy to have to deal with it.
But I do not agree that this post is not about guilt… because it’s guilt that is the tool that makes people uncomfortable with choices that ought to not really be anybody else’s business, but because of guilt and societal standards, they are able to make it so.
Well @B, as an “african american” woman (I hate that term, hence the quotes), I will have to back up @NCP on this one. I was made to believe that my natural hair was unmanageable which is why I wouldn’t stop getting relaxers even though it literally burned my scalp (and I don’t just mean a tingling sensation or if you quickly touch your hand to a hot pan). I’m talking about burns that leave marks, burns that you allow to sit on your scalp for a few seconds longer hoping to get your hair straight. Now this is not the experience of all black women but many of us (definitely me) have felt this pain while getting relaxers.
So for me, I used the excuse that I can’t manage my hair any other way which was just smoke and mirrors for trying to fit in. But not all black women have the reasons I do. But for women who sit in a chair every 6 weeks and endure burns on their scalp to straighten their hair… I’m not sure if there is a reason out there that should justify or could rationalize that kind of pain.
And just for the record, turns out my hair is not ‘unmanageable’… it just can’t be managed like it’s straight hair. Go figure.
What Roxy said. I stopped straightening my hair a year or 2 ago. I had enough of the burning, pain, scabs, being afraid to get my hair wet, all for what? Because I was taught from an early age that straight hair was beautiful and that my hair was “nappy.” I love my natural, pain-free hair now.