A reason for my fat.
I’m ashamed to say this but, when I think about being fat, there is a small part of me that comes up with excuses. I am fat because (insert reason here.)
As someone the believes in self-acceptance and is fighting for fat rights, I’m angry at this part of myself. It doesn’t feel self-accepting to have a reason for my fat. It’s not like I come up with explanations for why my eyes are blue or my hair is blond.
Most of the time I’m confident and steady within myself. I know who I am and I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone. So I find it endlessly frustrating that I can’t get rid of this voice in my head.
Since we’re exploring this great shame of mine, I’m going to share with you the reasons that pop into my head.
*I’m fat becasue I’m not active enough. I have chronic heath problems that mean I am very sedate. My weight has actually fluctuated quite a bit over the years becasue I get fatter when I’m sicker (ie more sedate) and I get thinner when I’m healthier (ie able to be more active.)
*I’m predisposed, genetically, to being fat. I’m Scandinavian and built like an amazon. That means tall and with big hips. At my thinnest, in my late teens, I was a size 14 and 175lbs. And fat runs in my family. My grandmother was fat and she dieted her entire life. And now my mother has taken up that same pattern of being an old fat woman that wants to loose weight.
*I’m fat becasue it’s a barrier. I’m a smart and independent female. When I was younger and thinner I was more sexualized by men. Now that I’m older and fatter, men take me more seriously. They are less likely to see me as a sexual object and therefore less likely to disregard my intelligence.
The funny thing about this list is I never think of how much I eat. I don’t care if someone thinks I eat more food or less healthy food than the Average Joe becasue it’s none of their fracken business.
Your guess is as good as mine why I’m able to get defiant about food and not about all these other points.
I don’t like shame. I don’t think its useful or practical. There are very few other things in my life where I haven’t been able to work past any feelings of shame I might have.
And I’d love to be perfect and never have a doubt in my mind. I don’t want to believe that I’m a self-hating fattie. But I have yet to come up with a way not to have these thoughts sneak into my head.
Maybe this was the step I needed to take. Admitting the truth is often half the battle. So, yeah, I hear excuses for my fat in my head, but I don’t want to.
This fat is mine. This body is mine. And I want to love it, unconditionally. I want to be a self-loving fattie (even if that does sound a little dirty.)
I think in this society it’s almost impossible to NOT think those qualifiers about any particular trait that falls outside the social norms. It’s just important to then say… and it’s none of anyone else’s damn business!
Someone once told me about a rowdy classmate “they told him he was bad his whole life and after awhile it became a self fufulling prophecy”.
I’ll never forget that, and I often wondered if that kid ever got past the parameters others set for him.
Eveyone has that voice and it’s backed up by a thousand voices in society that seem to confirm what you may be thinking.
I think it’s also perfectly human to have that voice and know that we think you are beautifully fabulous all the same:)
Maybe it’s not ‘excuses’ but actual REASONS. Chronic illness and genetics are absolutely valid reasons for fat. There’s nothing shameful about it.
Jen,
I think what she’s trying to say is that for her, she feels like she has to justify the reason she is now fat. An excuse another way of saying that you provide an explanation as a way of apologizing for, or atoning for, having achieved this bodily state that society finds reprehensible.
If you’ve read Elizebeth’s posts, you’d know that she is completely sympathetic to the multiple causes of obesity and that she is not dismissive at all of the reasons people give for their own weight. This entry is more about Elizebeth feeling compelled to excuse her own fat in order to alleviate the presumptions of society (that it is lifestyle-related).
In the end, she concludes that whatever reason you or I are fat is nobody’s business but our own. That these “excuses” are personal and she does not need to rely on them to justify her existence. She is speaking of her own personal shame, not suggesting that fat people should feel shame if they have a reason, other than unhealthy lifestyle, for their fat.
Peace,
Shannon
I don’t like that part that part that has to have those excuses either. I shouldn’t have to justify why I’m fat, people who aren’t fat (those considered “normal-sized”) don’t have to justify their size. When you’ve had to apologize/justify to people most of your life for your size, and you finally get to a point where you can accept yourself as you are, you shouldn’t have to battle a part of yourself that still comes up with excuses/reasons for being fat. I feel like it should just be a fact of life, like having brown hair or green eyes or long legs or stubby toes, but I’m still justifying to myself………………………