Judgey McJudgerson
I think it’s not really possible to become truly self-accepting if you are not also accepting of others.
This year, as part of this whole FA journey that I find myself on, I am attempting to stop judging other people based on their looks / outfits / hairdo / what-have-you.
This, I am finding, is somewhat harder than it sounds.
I mean, sure, I’ve never been the kind of person who would actually SAY something TO someone in the mall whose personal choice of clothing appears ridiculous to me. That would be impolite, and I am not a mean person. But I fully admit that I would, at the drop of a particularly ugly hat, make sotto voce snide comments about said choice. I have a great deal of snark in me… comments on ridiculous clothing choices are one of the ways in which it comes out.
But even if the person whose life choices I am commenting on and judging does not hear me (and, again, let me assure you, I have hearing like a bat, so I KNOW how to keep myself from inadvertently being overheard), let’s face it - it’s still not a very nice thing to do.
So I have sincerely been trying to moderate this.
The harshest thing that will now leave my lips is “Well, that’s not a choice I would have made”. Followed, of course, by “But as long as he/she is happy with it, I am sure they do not care what I think”.
And, truly, I really do believe that. No one is on this earth to impress me. My opinion on their clothes does not matter, and I sincerely hope my opinion would NOT matter to them.
But how does one shut off the brain? Because while my mouth might say “That’s not a choice I would have made”, my brain is shrieking “OH THE HUMANITY!! WHY?! WHY WOULD ANYONE THINK GOLD LAMEE LEGGINGS AND A GREEN LEOPARD PRINT TOP WITH HALF OF A RED BRA HANGING OUT WAS A GOOD IDEA FOR THE MALL!!!!????”*
Or some such thing. I can’t stop it. I do try.
I guess just shutting my big yap is a step in the right direction, but it appears that I have some way to go.
Baby steps.
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*Oh, and yes, I fully admit that I have totally been seen at the grocery store in derby clothes. I am glad that other people in the world can also keep their brain’s horrified screeching locked behind their lips, because I am sure I might otherwise have received many a lecture on the appropriateness of leggings, shorts, tanks and crazy knee socks for a woman past 16 years of age 
This is an admirable goal. Not something I would pursue myself, but admirable nonetheless.
My wife and I enjoy making fun of other people too much. It’s cathartic. I’m sure there’s some sort of medical benefit as well.
But, like you, we keep it on the down low. Unlike you, I’m not always good at it.
Who knows, someday I might give it a shot, but for now I’m too misanthropic to give it up.
Peace,
Shannon
Whoops! I’m logged into the wrong account.
Peace,
Shannon
But you always sign your name, so that’s OK
I am of two minds here…. (by the way nice to be back online after a few weeks of crippling hopelessness and shame)
Like Shannon, one of my joys in life is laughing and when you a blessed with guile, wit, brilliance and an amazing sense of humor making fun of others is a great way to connect with friends of like mind.
Like nocelery ( feel bad i can’t remember IRW name ) I think that if I expect people to not hate on me because of my appearance, then I should do same for others. The facts are that people do judge on appearance. there is no getting over that.
i think the kind of honesty that allows shannon to say I enjoy making fun of folks too much and the kind of reflection that says I need to stop doing that if I expect it from others can mutually exist….
I think the line is in the execution. I honestly believe shannon would never publicly shame another (enemies i.e.; Meme et al excluded) I think the humor would be private, between shannon and wifey or shannon and friend. I think we are too sensitive to make fun of another in a way that could make another feel uncomfortable like some stories we hear of our friends being mocked at clothing stores by evil teenagers.
I think that we can have our judgements, jokes, and snarky comments amongst ourselves for the intention of being joyful, laughing etc.
I think being of size helps me to understand the nuance between me making a joke about someone’s appearance quietly and public comments on a blog, or in print demeaning people of size or any other characteristic.
Finally, if restraining oneself from the comments makes sense to that individual, then I also think there is nothing wrong with that too.
Ivan, I agree. There is an internal struggle between what I should do and what I enjoy doing. I know I shouldn’t make fun of others, but sometimes it’s just impossible not to comment to my wife or whatever friend is nearby. The intent is never to humiliate the person in question, but to share in the amusement of individual taste and diversity.
I support a quirky sense of style, but I also support a person’s right to find that style utterly laughable. So long as your intention isn’t to degrade the target of derision, I think that it is fairly benign.
That being said, I think it is extremely admirable to stifle that critic because it isn’t healthy to have the snark switch constantly on.
Welcome back, Ivan. I wish you a surge of hope and pride.
Peace,
Shannon
noceleryplease -
I’m not sure I agree with the thesis of your post.
I think it’s not really possible to become truly self-accepting if you are not also accepting of others.
It seems to me like your your putting a goalpost on self-acceptance. Like your saying, “I can’t have this unless I do this other thing.”
I think mean and heartless people can be self-accepting, they’re just not very enlightened or empathetic. I would agree that tolerance can be an important step on the path towards self-acceptance…but I don’t think it’s a deal breaker.
As for the whole “don’t judge” thing, my husband would say this is a hippie problem. Hippies have fostered in society the idea that people should be tolerant to the extreme. That “judgment” is the worst of sins.
I was raised by a hippie. And I’ve got an almost puritanical “don’t be mean” streak in me. I don’t do snark and I don’t enjoy cruel humor and it’s in my nature to be exceedingly tolerant.
But…do I think EVERYONE should be like me? No.
I’m not some kind of niceness saint. I’m not so hippie that I think judgment, full stop, is a sin. Along side being really tolerant, I’m also a firm believer in honesty and being true to myself.
And, sometimes, that means I make judgments.
I have been know to say, “I just don’t understand the motivation to do that. And I’m not even gonna try to.” Because, much as I’m an anglophile, I’m not down with the idea that we should all walk on eggshells for the sake of polite society.
I think the line between judgment and meanness is one of those balance things. And I think the decision of where that line falls for you is very personal.
Here’s the part where I totally backpedal. While I don’t agree with the thesis of your post for myself and I don’t agree that it’s a rule of self-acceptance, if it really feels comfortable for you, then who am I to say it’s wrong FOR YOU.
Your talking about your personal journey. And I respect your right to take whatever steps work for you to find self-acceptance.
Well, you are correct there, I should have said…
“I think it’s not really possible (for me) to become truly self-accepting if (I am) not also accepting of others.”
Because for myself, when I am looking at these other people, I am judging them by standards that I know have been imposed on me by the culture I live in. So if I judge them, I am going to end up circling back around and aiming that same judgment at myself.
It’s not so much a goal post for me, as it’s a circle… if I can stop looking at others and judging them by the standards that are set for them by this society, I think I have a better shot at also not judging myself by those standards, etc. etc.
I am not against judging people as a blanket rule. I will judge the heck out of people who are assholes (or bad drivers, THEY deserve it!).
I just need to get to a place where I can say - “hey - if you are OK with those gold lamee (no, I don’t know how to spell “lame, lamee, lammee, whateveR) leggings, then who am I to judge?
And I hope that at the same time this enables me to say to myself…. “hey, if I am ok with XYZ thing about me, then who are THEY to judge?”
noceleryplease -
So, really, your fighting against imposed voices, not against your own voice. Your fighting to find your own voice and be true to it. To ‘find your authentic self.’ Which I totally understand and relate and agree with.
It’s spelled “LAMB.”
Peace,
Shannon
Dude, anyone who is wearing gold lambs on their legs - yeah, THEM I am judging
If wearing livestock on your walkers is wrong then I don’t want to be right.
By the way I’m JUDGING ALL OF YOU!
Now you can feel free to judge me back because today I wore my pajamas ALL DAY and I didn’t even care.
This is one I’ve had to learn too. It’s a great skill to learn, but as you say, not an easy one. Thing is, the less Judgey-pants you wear, the better you feel. Once that clicked in my head it got a whole lot easier.