Eye of the Fatty —

This week, Fierce, Freethinking Fatties will be doing another Theme Week. Previously, we spent a week discussing Skorch Magazine’s editorial policy regarding weight loss and dieting. The Fatties enjoyed the experiment, so we’re trying it again. This week, we’ll be discussing the many ways one can be a Fat Activist.

You’ve all experienced it.

The self-worth-sapping, jaw-clenching, blood-curdling, rage-inspiring mindfuck of hearing someone make hateful, hurtful comments and realizing they are directed at you.

Specifically, at your body.

It’s an excruciating, humiliating, dehumanizing experience that nobody should have to experience. Yet a great number of us do… many on a regular basis.

Not just fatties… all kinds of minorities. Anything can make you a target, even something as simple as race; religion; gender; sexual orientation; gender identity; physical, developmental or mental disability; or just looking, acting, dressing or being a little different.

The assailant is typically your run-of-the-mill ignorant asshole. You can rest assured that his life is irreparably miserable in any multitude of ways. He could be poor, stupid, have a shitty job and a wife who hates him. He could be rich, intelligent, have a great job, a wonderful family, and a midlife sexuality crisis that threatens to destroy it all.

Whatever the case, you can be absolutely certain that the underlying reasons behind his public dumbfuckery are compensatory in nature. Nobody willfully inflicts misery on others if their own lives are at peace. As with love, the misery you make is equal to the misery you take.

Our modern society seems to do a decent job of censoring certain hostile attitudes, gestures and actions directed at specific groups. People like to say we live in a “post-racial” society, but really there are plenty of racists still around. They just know that there are social consequences for exhibiting racist behaviors.

I knew a guy, for instance, who would complain about “the Canadians,” which was his codeword for black people. It was his way of bypassing the social constraints on being a public racist.

Most minorities are moderately shielded by these social conventions. Of course, they still face bigotry and ignorance, but compared with 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years ago, most minorities are further down the social justice path than fatties.

Currently, the social environment damn near rewards people for launching verbal assaults on fat people. It’s like some kind of unwritten public policy for dealing with the Obesity Megademic… make being fat so miserable that nobody would dare enter the fathood voluntarily.

And since Assholes never miss an Asshole Party, they’ve jumped full force onto the S.S. Shame ‘n’ Snark and set sail for Douchebag Island.

Well, I’m recruiting each and every one of you to do your part to make sure that all the fat hating assholes of the world are about to go on a three hour tour (if’n ya know what I mean).

Because here’s the deal: every minority group that has dealt with this situation has had a decisive disadvantage: they were the minority. They had to convince at least some of the majority that the minority deserved just as much dignity and respect as the majority did.

The difference is that we are the majority and we have to convince the rest of the majority that regardless of size, we all deserve dignity and respect.

And that begins with you.

You first have to acknowledge that dignity and respect is your right as a human being. You don’t need anybody to validate that premise. The only reason I’m validating that premise is because sometimes we need to be reminded of that right.

But you didn’t need to wait for my approval and you sure as hell don’t need to wait for the approval of your parents, spouse, children, friends, employers, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers or any other person outside of yourself.

Regardless of why you’re fat, regardless of whether you think you’re to blame for your fatness, regardless of whether you think you could change things if you just tried a little harder… YOU are a human being with a heart and a soul and a mind that is just as valuable as the greatest thinkers, greatest spiritual masters, greatest world leaders.

What you do does not give you value. What you think or say does not give you value. What you achieve does not give you value. Who or how you love does not give you value.

There is but one value in life, and that is life. If you have it, then you have all the value you need. You have life and you are entitled to live it as you see fit — without undue interference from others—just as each and every other life surrounding you is.

The trouble is that this is not how life works. Others are not satisfied with the value of their own lives, and so seek it elsewhere. That’s the nature of some addictions and disorders… a deep dissatisfaction that drives them to look elsewhere for relief. One such outlet is being a compulsive dickweed.

By belittling others, I reassert my dominance over those I perceive as inferior. So long as I stay afloat the inferior, I can feel secure about the value of my life.

This compensatory reflex is grounded in insecurity, believe it or not. It’s hard to imagine that someone who has the balls to publicly humiliate a stranger would have insecurity issues. In my mind, that seems to be the very definition of “security.”

But it’s not the case and I’ve experienced this enough times to know that within every dickweed lies the heart of a coward.

Twice, I’ve confronted assholes who were talking about and laughing about my wife. In both cases, the assailant was shocked that someone would actually confront them with their immature behavior and went immediately into denial mode. Even if they unleash their hatred within earshot, the people believe they are discreetly attacking you, or that the attack itself will render you powerless.

They are counting on this powerlessness to maintain their position of dominance. But that dominance is precarious at best.

Now, this is not to say that these incidents I experienced are representative of what you will experience. The two Croatian men I confronted were dead-set on insisting they were innocent. At that point, you may experience second thoughts (as I did).

Did I hear them correctly? Am I over-reacting? Am I falsely accusing them?

But in both cases I waited until I was certain that they were talking about Veronica before I said anything. I waited until my instincts told me that there was no doubt about it. But their denial still caused me to question what I heard.

And that was a situation in which I was defending someone else, which is entirely different from defending yourself. Defending yourself is an even trickier proposal because you may not have anyone to back you up. But that is the reality of the situation: if the sound of someone making fun of you is intolerable, you must stand up for yourself if you want it to end. You cannot depend on others to fight this battle for you.

As always, be sure that you are in a situation where you can reach out to others if help is needed. Be wise in your confrontations and only choose to confront someone when you are certain of your safety as well as your justification. But once you decide to confront someone, stand strong in your convictions and know that no matter how much that person backs down, he or she was picking you apart just a moment before.

And be prepared for the opposite situation: a full-on confrontation.

The person you confront may get angry that you would dare challenge him in public. In his eyes, you are just an emotional plaything for him to destroy. If he goes on the offensive, you have a right to get mad, you have a right to get angry, you have a right to scream and make a scene. After all, you were minding your own business in a public place when this asshole intruded upon your private peace.

I understand that a personal, direct confrontation can be daunting, and so you may not be ready to defend yourself in public. However, there is a way to get some practice and to still defend yourself fiercely without as much concern for your immediate safety or any potential conflict.

For example, you’re on Facebook when one of your friends posts something about a fat girl wearing tight clothes. She’s mocking this person in a forum where other fat people are pretty much targeted by proxy.

This is your opportunity to speak up. This is your opportunity to tell your “friend” that you don’t appreciate the degradation of fat people. This is your opportunity to take a stand against the same attitudes that make public fat shaming so common.

This is a confrontation you can handle and it will have the same effect on the person you’re confronting. Maybe he doesn’t realize how insulting some random fat person can resonate deeply with a fat person he knows and actually cares about. Maybe he doesn’t realize that fat people actually have feelings and that they are hurt by comments about weight. Maybe he just hasn’t even considered anyone outside of himself.

This is your opportunity to educate him. Take it slow. Explain why you don’t appreciate his comments and give him an opportunity to either apologize, explain himself or promise to never do it again. Don’t expect him to change on a dime, you may need to engage in a deeper conversation to get through, but when presented with a teachable moment, seize it!

And finally, as this previous example encourages, don’t just stand up for yourself. Stand up for your fellow fatties as well. We’re all in this boat together and if we only take umbrage with the hatred directed at us specifically, we are never going to impact the rules of socially acceptable behavior.

The days of the “harmless” fatty swipe are over. The days of “I was just kidding” are through. We must take a stand against fat hatred today or the degradation will continue tomorrow.

Doing so will not make you impervious to the hurt and shame and pain that follow any such experience, but you will feel empowered by taking action against the dickweeds of the world.

Do it for yourself. Do it for your family and friends. Do it for your children.

Most of all, do it for the future.