Me Too!
Trigger Warning… Dieting, struggles with fat accepting, desire to be “socially acceptable”
Not a Trigger Warning… But I am trying to organize some thoughts here, so this is going to be a bit of a ramble…
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So, I took a little blogging break.
I was having some trouble figuring out exactly where I belong in this world of Fat Acceptance/Body Acceptance/Etc. Acceptance.
Because although I have tried to deny it and call it by other names like “Trying to maintain my weight” and “Healthy lifestyle” and “Watching what I eat”… let’s face it… I’m a dieter. No, not a “yo-yo dieter,” not a “diet evangelist,” not a “you can do this too-er.”
But still, the way I live and exercise and eat. Yes, I admit it… it’s a “calorie-restricted diet”.
There’s been quite a bit of chatter around these parts about whether dieters really “belong” in the Fat Acceptance space. And it had me thinking, “well, DO I belong here?”
I think that people join blogging communities (grand generalization here) in order to get a sense of the “Me Too!”
If you think you are weird and different, well, it’s a fairly safe bet that you aren’t really ALL THAT weird and different, and you can find somewhere out on the internet a community of people who will give you a big hug, and say “Me Too!” — and that brings a certain amount of validation and feeling good and generally a glow of acceptance to your day.
But… really… there is no “Me Too!” for a dieter in Fat Acceptance. Please let me assure you that I am also not thinking there should be… after all, this is not a community for diet acceptance. But I submit to you, that it’s difficult to be part of a community where there is no “Me Too!” And, in fact, there’s a distinct feeling of “Not You!”
There are tons of blogs out there where you can take pictures of everything you eat and write down every calorie you consume and how much exercise you have done and people over there will say “Me Too!” and pat you on the back and tell you what a good person you are.
But… I do not WANT to be a part of that community. I do not want to feel that eating or not eating X thing today has a bearing on whether I am a good person. It doesn’t… and one of the things that I love about the FA community is that it’s a place to hear that message.
But there are other messages that come out of hanging around in FA circles… and those are the stories of abuse, humiliation, discrimination, and day-to-day suffering that people go through just because they are fat.
And here I’m going to admit it.
They scare me.
They scare me because I have been there. I have been “the fattest person in the room”… for years. I have had trouble getting retail service. Trouble fitting into standard seating. Trouble just existing in a world that feels like it’s perfectly fine to be mean to me just because I look a certain way.
So I am scared of being fat again. And so I restrict my calories to stay at the weight I am… a weight that allows me to exist without calling attention to myself. A weight that allows me the freedom of anonymity.
But do I need a place in Fat Acceptance? Oh yes, yes I do.
Because although I get scared by the stories… I also get mad. I also get educated. I also get strength to understand that one day, when I inevitably put weight on, because that’s what my body wants to do… well, there’s not going to be anything wrong with that.
So I think that dieters DO need to be welcomed to Fat Acceptance. Not to tell other people that they should diet, no… but to have a place to hear a message that says, perhaps, they might want to give some thought to the reason they are dieting, to what they think they are getting out of it, to why they think it’s necessary.
But what I hear a lot is that any kind of restriction in the name of controlling fat is abusive. That my attempts to remain at the weight I am is somehow a horrible thing for me. Now, I know that people CAN abuse their bodies through food restriction, but I simply can’t see that any and all restriction of any amount is abuse. I don’t think the people who say that it is really mean it, but it’s one of those sweeping generalizations that sweeps up everything in its path and can be, I think, just as damaging to those who hear it as the opposite message.
And that’s the thing that makes the Fat Acceptance arena feel like “Not You!” rather than “Me Too!” to the dieter. And to a point, I totally get it. FA is not in any way a place to talk about dieting or how much weight you have lost or how anyone can do it if they just follow your rules! — that’s not what this space is for and that needs to be both respected and enforced. But at the same time, just uttering the words “I’d like to lose weight” should not be a call for “dog pile on the rabbit“… people who want to lose weight need to hear the messages in FA too.
I hear a lot that Fat Acceptance is a journey. But what about people who are stuck in the airport of that journey? Should they not still be able to hang around, waiting to see if they will be able to book a seat? If they cannot quite make the next step… should they be told to just go away until they are ready to get on the plane, as it were?
So… as for myself… I decided that yes, I do have a place here. Maybe I have only gotten to the point on my FA journey where I can accept everyone’s fat but my own, but that probably means I just need to hang around more. And maybe sometimes I’ll need to talk about my lifestyle and the difficult parts of it, but I would hope that it could at least serve as a warning to anyone who might think it’s a good idea to try and implement a “lifestyle change.”
So here’s my promise to you, FA… I will not EVER tell you that you should be living my kind of lifestyle. But if you could, in turn, understand that maybe there’s some things I just have to do for a while longer, and I am not yet capable of the gold standard of Fat Acceptance, and perhaps just lighten up a little on labeling even the mildest attempt of weight control as “abuse,” well, maybe we can find a place where we can all just get along.
I accept you.
I love to be accepted by anything related to cheese
To me if I did not watch my diet like you described, I would be a feeder
Example if I go out and have a big lunch “work free-bee” then I will have a light Dinner.
I think that’s part of my fear… fear of myself. Fear of what I could do if I am not “in control”… perhaps I am a control freak as well as a statistical one.
Speaking only for myself, when I refer to restrictive dieting as abusive, I am using it in the sense that attempting to force, coerce, shame, or guilt *someone else* into engaging in restrictive dieting is an abuse of that person’s right to personal autonomy.
I think part of the resistance some in the FA community have towards even the mention of dieting though is that we hear it literally *everywhere*… so it can be somewhat of a shock to run face first into yet more of it in the one place you thought you were safe.
So it’s not so much that anyone wants to make anyone else feel unwelcome, as it is that there are SO MANY dieting positive sites out there that we can feel a little betrayed at logging in one morning and finding diet talk in our ‘safe place’ too. It is more of a problem on sites without trigger warnings to tell us to brace for impact though at least for me. Your mileage may vary and all that.
I actually try not to talk too much about “dieting” per se. And I especially would never recommend or try to coerce anyone else anywhere to follow my training and eating regimen.
I agree that there needs to be a safe place where people are not being told constantly about diets and weight loss.
In fact, I have no problem with any of the prohibitions on weight loss talk on any of the FA blogs.
I guess my main point is just that in some (certainly not all) places, I read a lot of commentary that makes me feel like the fact that I am not able to eat intuitively and just relax and live a complete HAES lifestyle means that I am harming myself. Which I do not agree with.
Not that anyone is pointing at me and saying… YOU! YES YOU! You are abusing yourself. It’s more general and generic.
OK, now I am just blathering. I’ll stop.
Just trying to say “I get what you are saying too”
Heh, I got your post too — just was the wee early hours of the morning and I was incoherently trying to have a thought. It didn’t work lol.
Most of my “you’s” were the generic sense of the word, but I don’t follow the practice of some people and use the non-word “gyou” to indicate that. Course, I also don’t use hie and zie and whatever other supposedly gender neutral terms have been invented this week… they/them works well enough for me because I don’t find “it” to be dehumanizing… just genderless. I’m a weird person.
Honestly, on the HAES thing? I get that same vibe in the other direction — as if it only counts if you’re intuitively eating the same “perfect” diet of whole grains and vegetables that is “suggested” to the point of being shoved down people’s throats everywhere else.
But not all HAES promoters are like that… just enough to make it seem like it’s just another way of telling people that they’re morally deficient because they don’t live the same life as someone else. Which it isn’t for all HAES practitioners, but enough of them to give that impression if you’re on the outside looking in.
I’m with you on this. I love this movement and everything it stands for, but I don’t believe most people would think I’m exactly IN the movement. I’m 100% behind anybody whose goal is to love their body no matter what, but I always fear that being an athlete (and in a very weight-obsessed sport, no less) will always make me seem like a hypocrite in the body-acceptance community. I spend 10 hours in the gym every week because I AM competing, not because you SHOULD be. It’s not a moral issue to me and I have trouble explaining it sometimes because out in the world, you just don’t hear many people (women especially) talking about weight loss and fitness in terms of it NOT being a moral issue. And that’s why I ended up identifying with so much of what’s said by fat activists.
I follow fat acceptance blogs, and self-identify as an ally, because I think the weight loss industry is evil, and because unrealistic standards of feminine beauty (and the societal imposition of morality on appearance/size) make me blind with rage. I’d much rather be a part of something that encourages people to love, accept, and take care of their bodies on their own terms than anything that tells people what they SHOULD be doing and punishes them for not doing it.
And if the body acceptance journey is essentially learning to be okay with yourself no matter what size you are, then that includes the size you are (and whatever “lifestyle” you lead) right now.
I had to check out your blog to see what sport you were referring to. Boxing! Reminds me of when I was in high school and had to make weight for wrestling. I take it you do a lot of spitting.
Peace,
Shannon
Actually, I’m trying not to get to the point where I have to spit, although I will admit I’ve logged quite a bit of sauna time lately!
Man, I do not miss those days.
Peace,
Shannon
You’ve spelled out a lot of what I feel here.
I do kind of feel hypocritical when I tell people about HAES (And really, really mean it!) but am not able to follow the lifestyle myself.
I think what drew me to FA in the first place is the overall message that no one should be mistreated based on their appearance… which is a broad brush overview of what FA means to me.
But then there’s so many parts of it. Some of them are harder for me to live than others… but that doesn’t mean I don’t see the value of the concepts.
Hi SF
I also love FA because of the unconditional support that it gives each of us. I am still not at the level of acceptance where you will ever see me at the beach wearing only a pair of swim trunks. It does not matter because I know in real Fat Acceptance plus sized men and women of all shapes and sized are accepted.
Things like HAES and The Fat Studies are cool, but they will never pull you up when you are having one of those bad “fat” days.
Me too!
I’m so happy you’re back!!!
And right of the gate you’re kicking ass again. After Dark Horse —, I got a lot of questions regarding how someone can be dieting and in Fat Acceptance. I knew what the answer was, but what I said about it didn’t really matter. Only a person who was living in those two worlds could express it, and you NAILED IT.
I LOVE the analogy about the airport. Dieters are on stand-by, afraid to fly, and keeping their feet on the dieting ground as long as possible. As a fat activist, my job is not to drag you onto the plane, but to provide all the brochures and educational materials and maybe a little Dramamine to make the trip as safe and non-threatening as possible.
I think that, currently, many in Fat Acceptance are too impatient with dieters. They want you on the damned plane now or they’re leaving without you!
Not me, man. I’m in no rush. I’ve been on the plane, I know the destination, so I’m cool just sitting and chatting with you while you make up your mind.
And finally, I love, love, LOVE that you threw some Bugs Bunny in the middle of it all. Completely made my day.
Great job, Rachelle! And welcome back!
Peace,
Shannon
FA - it’s Dramamine for dieters! lol.
Thank you for posting this.
I’m one of those hanging around the airport as well-happy and eager to live in a world where every “body” is respected and at the very least, not made to feel like “other”. I love fat, round, chubby bodies on everyone else. Haven’t made it to accepting my own 100% yet, but I’m working on it and hope to get on the plane one day. I totally get where you’re coming from because as someone who knows (with a capital K) that no matter what I do, my body wants to be larger than society deems worthy and every time I have lost weight, I have gained it back. So why in God’s name do I keep trying?? Just got back from my yearly physical-Doctor said “well, if you could lose 50#, the arthritis in your knees might not bother you so much”. Yup. As if I’ve never heard that one before. I left feeling very defeated and depressed, when in reality, I mostly feel pretty darned good and bad knees, like big fat bottoms, run rampant in my family. Rachelle, you are ALWAYS welcome at my table, regardless of where you or I happen to be on the FA journey. And thanks for articulating something I’ve felt for a very long time. And by the way? M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m. C-h-e-e-e-s-e.
I don’t buy it at all that the only reason one might not want to gain weight is a failure of ones own FA in relation to oneself, and that’s my major beef with FA.
Personally? When my weight gets above X, my knees hurt all. the. time. And I don’t like to hurt all the time. So I pay some attention to what I eat to keep myself pain-free, and no amount of any movement is going to make me choose someone else’s politics over my own physical comfort. And I think it’s incredibly narrow-minded for any movement to assume that everyone’s reasons for not going along with X (here, let’s call it unrestricted eating) are as unhealthy or unacceptable as ones own. In other words, when my fat ass causes your body to hurt, then and only then do you get to tell me how to maintain my body.
Sharona -
I’m rabid about bodily autonomy. I care more about our right to make our own choices for our bodies than I ever could about having an opinion on dieting.
But I’ve spent a great deal of time building an anti-dieting argument becasue I don’t like being manipulated by the medical establishment. I disagree with the public health policy that suggests anyone can go from fat to thin.
So I struggle trying to deliver two seemingly conflicting messages. On the one hand, I want to shout, “It’s your right to make choices for your body and I want you to make your own choices.”
And, on the other hand, “Research consistently shows that some weight can be lost in the short run but most people can’t keep off weight lost in the long run. Our bodies are built to resist weight loss.”
What I’m really want to tell people is, “Be informed and then make your own choices.” And, “I support you becasue you support our cause.”
I try really hard to choose my language carefully and to be respectful…but sometimes I still feel like the sentiment of the message I’m really trying to communicate get’s lost in the mix.
“I don’t buy it at all that the only reason one might not want to gain weight is a failure of ones own FA in relation to oneself, and that’s my major beef with FA.”
Yes. It’s like being told that the only reason someone would be fat is that they have deep emotional problems or an addiction to food. To have anyone casually claim to be able to know about your mental state is deeply infuriating.
Your back!!!! I missed you!!!!!!!!!!
Er…that should have said “You’re back.” Fail.
Interesting post! I’m glad that you’ve gotten a lot of support, and I thank you for bringing up interesting things to think about. I sympathize with your feeling of disorganization, because this comment is so small in scope compared to your post, and I still feel like I’m all over the place!
A lot of what you’re describing is what I’ve felt when I get into the mindset of ‘can’t be a bad fatty & let the HAES folks down!’ - I often end up eating crappy, easy food rather than cooking (which I hate), and my body does end up feeling shittier during these times. It’s a tradeoff I make because I have time issues around cooking, and emotional issues around making time for cooking.
I think that a LOT of us have imperfect balances that we come to around these issues. Making more room for people who are currently dieting at the FA table can help us all, because it’s a reminder that we can accept ourselves where we are right now - flawed and human and making imperfect decisions.
For me, the point is that by accepting ourselves where we are, we can get the strength to push forward to the next stage, whatever that is for us personally. It’s tricky for you dieters, because it’s hard for me to be anything other than oppositional to dieting and all things that remind me of it. But the hard things are often the most worthwhile. If I can accept your dieting, it gets easier to accept my IE failures.