Superficial Self-Esteem
I think that one of the most damaging things about the current slew of weight loss shows, diet books, etc. is newly thin people trying on clothes, smiling into the camera and saying “I’m wearing single digits! I finally love myself after all these years!!!”
Statistically, more than 95% of these people will regain their weight and, ostensibly, no longer love themselves. But even if they could all maintain their weight loss, I think that there would still be a greater issue here.
What would you think of someone who chooses their life partner or best friend based entirely on how they look? Or who tells their best friend that they don’t love them anymore because he/she has become too fat. At best, we call those people superficial. So, why is it considered okay in our society to make our self-esteem contingent upon how we look?
I take a decent amount of flack for being a body positive fat person. Typically a couple of times a week someone will email from my blog to say some form of “I don’t think it’s a good thing for you to tell people it’s okay to be fat.” Often they say a lot of other really mean-spirited stuff — they seem to have a propensity for calling me a fat bitch and they’ll usually make a VFHT on their way through — but that is the gist of their argument.
Here’s the thing: I’m not interested in being in the business of telling anyone else what to do with their body. There are size 0 women who do not have an eating disorder and are sick of people either assuming that they do or bitter fat women calling them “skinny bitches.” There are healthy fat people who are sick of the death fat police telling them that if they don’t lose weight they are just going to keel over and die, or hearing insecure thin women call them “fat bitches.”
What I am suggesting is that you can love yourself and recognize your inherent awesomeness no matter what size your body is now, even if you want to change the size and shape of your body later.
If someone chooses to lose weight, or gain weight, I fully support them (because, hey, it’s their decision and I want my decisions about my body and weight to be respected and supported). I just think it’s unfortunate that they would make their self-esteem contingent upon that happening. I think that any undertaking is easier if you begin from a base of high self-esteem.
If you’re going to try to change your size, what about choosing to love yourself and appreciate your body for what it CAN do and coming to your journey from that place instead of “I hope I finally stop hating myself after I lose 50 lbs”? What if you lose 50 lbs and it doesn’t reverse your self-esteem instantly? What if you do lose the weight and suddenly “love yourself,” but then something happens and you gain it back?
If you’re looking for a place to start, you might try the “Love Yourself More In Three Simple Steps” exercise.
You might be able to afford to be completely superficial when choosing your dates, life partner, and your friends, but I think you will find that the price for superficial self-esteem is just too high.
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I think you are totally right there… I lost a bunch of weight, and then it was all “well crap, now I STILL have to figure out who I am and how to love her” - it turns out losing weight just made me a thin person with all the same issues I had before.
Thanks for being honest about that - I sometimes wonder how often people have that experience but don’t say anything…
“At best, we call those people superficial. So, why is it considered okay in our society to make our self-esteem contingent upon how we look?”
This…
This is awesomeness.
Peace,
Shannon
“What would you think of someone who chooses their life partner or best friend based entirely on how they look?”
But=but=but this is the way it always works in fairy tales! And mythology! And it’s how men ockey for status, isn’t it?
“Or who tells their best friend that they don’t love them anymore because he/she has become too fat.”
There are plenty of websites where this type of person hangs out. Myfatspouse is probably just one of many.
“So, why is it considered okay in our society to make our self-esteem contingent upon how we look?”
Does this really surprise anyone? There have been and still are many, many societies and even religions based on this concept. There have been wars fought There have been a thousand ships launched. Female beauty (contingent these days, for most people, on thinness) - however it’s defined at the moment - is power. Power gives a boost to your self-esteem, just as lack of power can diminish it.
Male power is not quite as contingent on looks, but it doesn’t hurt to have them.
Of course it’s superficial.
Of course the relationship of weight to self-esteem is not strictly linear.
But you asked why it’s considered okay. This, in a nutshell, no doubt oversimplified, is why.
Love it. I had the same experience as NCP but I gained most of the weight back. However, due to other life changes I feel way better about myself now. I think we’re so brainwashed in the thin by any means necessary theory of happiness that a lot of us don’t even recognize that there is a possibility of being your best self and being fat at the same time.
I’ve been fat and I’ve been thin. I tend to hate myself either way. Weight has nothing to do with it. One has to learn to love oneself. I have to fight to do this. In fact, I am currently heavy and have done a lot more to learn about liking myself no matter how I look in the past year.
I would far rather hang out with a fun-loving fat person than someone who is obsessed with every calorie they put in their mouth-or, worse, is obsessed with every calorie I put in my mouth. Such people are terrible bores.
I really enjoyed this article… I blogged about something similar a few weeks ago. Weight loss does give some people a false sense of self esteem. The thing I hate about weight loss propaganda is that the person who has lost the weight has nothing but negative things to say about her/his life prior to the weight loss. It’s saddening to see that some people believe that a smaller waist equals happiness… anyway very insightful article… Best wishes, Lisa