Just Too Fat?
I often hear comments about the Body Positive (aka Fat Acceptance) movement framed as follows:
- What about fashion models who are obviously underweight, should we accept them?
- What about people who are so fat that can’t get out of their beds, should we accept them?
- Being fat is OK unless someone has problems with daily life activities, then they have to do something.
- Being fat is one thing, but when you’re morbidly obese it’s time to lose the weight.
- We shouldn’t give acceptance to fat people, it will just encourage them to be [insert wild judgments about what all fat people do here].
- How fat is too fat? How thin is too thin?
- When are we accepting people’s size and when are we enabling unhealthy behavior?
- Fat people cost tax payers money — I shouldn’t have to accept that, I should have a say in them doing something about it.
And to all of these I say (as politely as possible):
Who the hell do these people think they are?
We are not the boss of anyone’s underpants but our own. Maybe it makes people feel important and superior to run around doling out acceptance to those who they deem worthy, but I am unimpressed. I would much rather see people choose to respect the choices of others than wonder out loud about who deserves their acceptance.
How exaggerated must your sense of self-importance be to think that it should be your job not only to decide that someone else’s life activities are made “difficult” by their size, but, also, what they should do about it?
As for tax dollars, this morning I’m not going to go into the the statistical reasons that this is seriously questionable. I’m going to suggest that even if fat people do cost the taxpayer’s money, those who don’t like it are probably going to have to learn to live with disappointment — your tax money will always pay for all kinds of things you don’t like. Legislating what people’s bodies have to look like is a very slippery slope indeed.
While we’re on the taxpayer thing, why don’t we ever hear about efforts to charge money to people who don’t eat their vegetables, don’t drink enough water, don’t look both ways before they cross the street, don’t eat enough fiber?
It’s because you can’t tell those things by looking at people. Since they can see that I’m fat, many people seem to feel justified in making wild guesses about my health and what I cost the taxpayers and penalizing me for it. Of course, that’s not true, nobody can even prove a causal relationship between being fat and being unhealthy (I, for example, am omgdeathfat and totally healthy). We can prove that only people who climb mountains fall off of them, do we find a way to penalize climbers monetarily? Where does it stop?
When it comes to telling other people how to live their lives, I think it’s a bad idea. I think that we should probably confine ourselves to saying “This is how I live, it works great for me. I’ll be happy to show you how I do it if you want.” And then we can shut up and respect other people’s right to make choices just like we want our choices respected.
I do think that we get to choose how we allow others to treat us. For my part I don’t particularly care if people accept me, but I do require respect or people simply don’t get to interact with me — not because it punishes them, but because it rewards me.
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Ragen, you are one fine woman!
Awwww shucks. Thanks
I love this post. I see I say that A LOT over here. Especially this part: I do think that we get to choose how we allow others to treat us. For my part I don’t particularly care if people accept me, but I do require respect or people simply don’t get to interact with me — not because it punishes them, but because it rewards me.
I might have to make that part of my mantra.
I’m in the process of figuring out how to best deal with my own mother. She likes to tell me all the time how I’m going to have a heart attack and die. We are….strained? shall we say?
I find so much good over around these parts.
Thank you, all, for what you do.
For me this stuff is a really big deal because my family is very important to me. What my family thinks is very important to me. However, I have come to realize that I have to put limits on my relationships with certain people in my family because they cannot stop themselves from being disrespectful when we interact about fat acceptance stuff. For me that has meant telling my sister and my father and my stepmother and two and or three close family friends that they cannot talk to me about my weight, food, health, exercise, etc. It’s very uncomfortable at first cause my family talks about everything to each other. So when I first set these boundaries, I got a lot of pushback. I also got a lot of help from people in this community in communicating these boundaries to those people in my life who I need to set boundaries with. I have found that the best way to deal with those family members who are unable to have a respectful conversation about fat acceptance and my choices… notice I didn’t say that they have to respect my choices… Only that they need to be respectful when discussing their thoughts and feelings about my choices and beliefs. If they can’t have a civil, respectful conversation, then I set a boundary with them that prohibits them from discussing or commenting to me about this stuff. If they don’t respect my boundary then I remove myself from the presence. For the record I’ve never had to remove myself from the presence of a family member. I’ve had to put my jacket on and headed towards the door a few times, but that was enough to let my family know I mean business.
Ivan,
How inspiring, I’m so glad for you. Having read your blog I have some idea of where you have come from to get here and I feel so happy that you’ve made it to this point.
I also like that you’ve raised the point about loving people, but having to re assert a sense of autonomy, hanging in there even when they are resisting, finding the strength to stand your ground.
Thank you for sharing this.
Your welcome and thank you and Ragen for posting. I think that one area that I intend to post more about is the dramatic effect that embracing Fat Acceptance initially has on those that are closest to us. Figuring out how to navigate and negotiate changes in the way we have always dealt with our family and close friends is challenging. I think that is is an area where group support could be very valuable… Maybe a conference call to just “chew the fat” about our relationships and how the dynamics need to change as we choose to move forward from self hatred to loving self acceptance.
there are many areas, many levels to Fat Acceptance, this is just one of them… For me the one where the feelings are the most intense… I gotta blog more about this
Awesome post, awesome responses to misunderstood interpretations of FA. It’s amazing how people want to dictate the health of fat people, but ignore all the other health choices we each make on a daily basis. It’s as though only the Panic du Jour matters. It’s ridiculous.
Peace,
Shannon
Thanks. I believe I’ll be co-opting the term “Panic du Jour” - I’ll give you credit!
~Ragen
“I would much rather see people choose to respect the choices of others than wonder out loud about who deserves their acceptance.”
I have a problem with framing being fat as a choice; fat is as genetically inherited as being tall, or having blue eyes or freckles. We can respect people’s choice not to diet, to eat what they want when they want, to excercise or not, etc, but we can’t respect a person’s choice to be fat because most of the time it’s NOT a choice. The idea that anyone chooses to be fat is laughable. Who on earth would choose to endure the slights, insults and outright hatred of so much of the populace?
The rest of the post is spot on.
Well, until society loses the idea that weight is entirely based on the flawed and overly simplistic “calories in/calories out” theory, people will continue to consider weight a choice.
So you’re not saying fat is a choice, you’re saying that because people THINK fat people choose to be fat, they need to respect that choice?
Hmm, I didn’t explain well I think.
Basically, I was hoping to convey that, since the majority of society still thinks being fat is entirely a choice, we might need to work within that framework for a time until we can get the concept across that “calories in/calories out” is not in any way accurate with regards to weight.
But, thinking more… there actually ARE people for whom weight is a choice. Unless it is assumed that people like Donna Simpson (I think that is her name… the woman who wants to achieve some kind of fattest woman record, and she runs a sex line? From last year) are mentally ill and therefore aren’t really choosing to try to gain wait, but are being forced into the attempt by their mental illness? But if we assume she’s not any more mentally ill than someone trying to have the biggest stamp collection or longest toenails in the world, then we have to acknowledge that she is making a choice to be fat.
And that is ok. We need to respect that, just like we should respect the rights of that Duggar woman to have 20+ kids or for people to have breast implants or the rights of someone to have every visible inch of skin tattooed then have fake horns and spikes implanted to make themselves appear demonic.
Oops, I intended to mean the choice to choose Health At Every Size /Fat Acceptance/Body Positivity, thereby opting out of the diet culture. I absolutely see how it could be read to say that being fat is a choice and that wasn’t my intention, thanks for pointing it out!
~Ragen
Aah! I was replying to Erin thinking she was you. lol my bad. Thanks for the clarification.
I don’t think anyone should tell anyone else how to live, as in a commanding way, because of coure we only have authority over ourselves and no one else, but I think they should be allowed to say their opinion if it is constructed respectfully. People make comments on my body, saying I’m too this and too that and that they think I would be better off if I did (blank). Do I like it? No. Do I agree with what they are saying? No. But I’m not about to tell them to keep their opinion to theirselves. I have no right to tell them, basically, to shut up or judge their choice to tell me what they think, because I feel that would be me telling them how to live their lives. Who would I be to do that?
I still don’t let it get to me though (comments on my body and how I live), and that’s what I think matters the most, to me anyways.
Just because people have the right to their opinion does not mean they have the right to force someone to listen to it.
I would not listen to someone telling me how all gays rape children or all blacks rob liquor stores or anything like that. So I don’t see why I should listen to their hateful opinions about how I’m disgusting and too greedy and too lazy either.
There is a difference between allowing someone to have their opinion, and allowing them to express that opinion to you, especially once you have told them that you don’t want to hear it or even worse that what they are saying actually hurts you.
I understand what you are saying about forcing someone to listen to an opinion. Personally, if someone had wanted to present a speech to me about all blacks rob liquor stores, I would actually wait for them to finish what they said, and then tell them I disagree, maybe presenting why I disagreed depending on if I thought he would listen or care what I had to say, and them let him know I didn’t care to hear about it anymore. If they kept at it, I would just remove myself from the situation and/or tune him out.
I think this is one of those situations that is a personal choice. If you feel that it’s ok for people to give you their opinions about your body then I totally respect that - I would never want to tell someone how to set their personal boundaries. I’m just asking that you respect other peoples’ choice not to allow people to make those kind of comments to us.
~Ragen
I like to say that if someone doesn’t like what I look like, they can look at something else.
Also, as far as “fat people costing the tax payers money,” what about the medical care needed for someone who is anorexic or bulimic? What about someone who is thin as a rail but smokes like a chimney? What about diabetics who, by the way, come in every size? There are healthy heavy people and sickly slim ones. One can’t tell just by looking at someone. The “Logic” that if someone is heavy they’re unhealthy makes me very angry too.
In fact, the climbers are penalized monetarily, in a lot of countries you need a private insurance to pay for the rescues and medical expenses.But there is a strong relationship between climbing mountains and falling from mountains, not the same that being fat and develope an illness.