The big bad “D” word.
So my life has just come upon a startling change. My husband and I have decided to get a divorce. I’m not going to go into details about what happened because that’s all kinda personal, but I am finding some of my reactions, as I think about what I’m going to do next, affected by my fattness.
I was in a fat marriage. We were both big people. But there is still a tiny part of me wondering if my weight affected things. The logical part of my head doesn’t think that can’t be true because our sex life and attraction didn’t stop earlier in my marriage when we both got fatter. We both resembled the saying “fat and happy.”
I’m aware that it was only after a string of other traumas happened that our private affection for each other really changed. And yet, even as I can rationally explain away the doubt, it still lingers. If my fat husband can’t love my fat body, then am I doomed to never really be loved that way?
My husband was supporting me because of my disability and now I’m trying to sort out what I’m going to do about money. At the moment it looks like I’m going to be trying to go on SSI, if we can get everything in order. I have a network of family and friends that are helping me get to that point. But, if I had to go out and get a job (even temporarily), I have to wonder with the horrible job climate that exists if my weight would make it that much harder.
I’m going to have to find a new place to live and it’ll have to be a roommate situation because of my limited income. I find myself wondering if being fat is going to make it harder for me to find a roommate. People are more likely to warm up to someone that’s attractive. I’m a pushy fat broad and not exactly the poster child for an easy or quiet roommate.
It’s interesting the self-doubts that years of being raised in a fat-phobic society has left in me. I fight them and I try to remember that the logical part of me knows better but I still have to work through those feelings.
As a final note, this is a shocking and hard time in my life but so far I’m doing okay. It’s an adjustment and things are really scary right now but I’m also a strong person with a persistent will. I know I can make it through this and I’ve been happy to find that I have more people supporting me that I first realized. Even as I feel like my life is falling a part, I have to acknowledge that some good has already come out of this travesty in me getting to see who really cares about me.
I may not be able to reply to comments, considering how uneven my life is right now, but I want to preemptively give thanks to any well wishers. Your thoughts and support are always appreciated.
Sending good thoughts and cyber hugs your way. Stay strong and awesome. Hang in there.
Best of luck to you.
hang in there. i too was in a fat marriage…and he walked away with an i dont love you anymore 1 year exactly from our mariage. we had been together for 4 years before that. i to felt unloved and wondered if it was me.if it was my body. i was left with a shattered life.but dont blame it on your fat. and know that god/the universe has something beter in store. good luck and hugs from someone who gets it.
Sending good thoughts your way. Hang in there, things will work out, they usually do, one way or another.
Oh my, that is not good news at all.
I hope it’s not inappropriate or disrespectful to ask you to take time to grieve (when you have the time); divorce is like death, except the person hasn’t died. Take care of you and *hugs*
God bless and don’t believe for a minute that it was your fault.
(((((((Hugs))))))) if you want ‘em.
Sending big hugs and strength your way. You will make it through this. I love reading your posts and think you have so much to offer the world. Take good care of yourself and treat yourself extra well. You deserve it!
Hang in there, Eliz, you’re going to be okay. It’s not your fault, it’s not your body’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault. Relationships fluctuate, people grow, sometimes together, sometimes apart. You know where to reach me if you need me.
Peace,
Shannon
This sucks dick. I’m sorry man. Chill out =) things work themselves out eventually.