Friendly Fire
This post was originally on Leftovers to Go. Tomorrow we will vote on Dr. Deah Schwartz.
OK, I admit it. No one held a gun to my head.
And I almost didn’t watch the Academy Awards…but there I was drawn to it like a train wreck.
And of course the constant banter about how so and so looked and what so and so was wearing didn’t surprise me. After all, it was the Academy Awards…and the fact that they actually looked at one of the female actors and commented on how “great she looked considering she had just had a baby”…didn’t surprise me.
But it still nauseated me.
This actress who is a person full of talent and full of mommy-hood had to be reduced to comments about her waistline. And heaven forbid if she had been even rounder…the comments would have no doubt been snide and derisive and filled with suggestions about what she should have worn to cover up the baby fat.
Still, I went into the belly of the beast without force or coercion, and I have to take responsibility for putting myself in the line of fire.
What really hurts is when you are in neutral territory and get struck by friendly fire. The other day I “bumped into” someone on the street who I haven’t seen in years. We chatted a bit and I asked about a mutual friend, “How is Julie?” The response, “She looks great.”
Now unless Julie had been diagnosed with metastatic cancer last time I saw her, how she looks is not really saying anything about how Julie IS.
Why is it that when you ask how someone is you are told how someone looks?
No wonder people suffering from Eating Disorders and Body Dissatisfaction have difficulty separating WHO they are from HOW they look. All too often our appearance is the defining factor of how and who we are. It is insidious and fragmenting. Clinicians and clients have their work cut out for them because the task of integrating our selves, our bodies, and our appearance is extraordinarily challenging. It is rare that we get much help from the “outside” as it is socially acceptable to define people primarily by their looks; assigning positive attributes to people if they are the “right” size and shape.
As challenging as it is however, it is important for people to remember that they are more than a thigh, or a tummy, or an upper arm.
And while people’s issues with food and how they may use it for emotional reasons may contribute to fluctuations in weight, it is never the total portrait of how a person is.
So next time someone asks you how someone is, please, really listen to the question. Consider the whole person, and if you don’t know the answer, then THAT is your answer.
I always feel uncomfortable commenting on how someone looks in person. I never know if they will take offense to it. However, I admit I am drawn to “What they wore” when it comes to Hollywood award ceremonies. But the fact they just had a baby and their waist is slimmed is not usually something I take too much interest in. Some women lose it easily. I have seen picture of my mom the day after she had me and well, it didn’t look like she had ever been pregnant - tummy was flat as ever. But not every woman is like that.
We are a very shallow, appearance based society. Talent does not matter a thing. At this rate, the current generation of people will leave nothing of worth behind. Nobody reads or creates meaningful works of art any more. America as a whole has turned into Hollywood-soulless and vapid.
Nobody reads or creates meaningful works of art any more.
Jonathan Lethem, Jonathan Franzen, Lydia Davis, Gary Shteyngart. Pynchon’s most recent major work was 2006, and he’s released a minor work since them (out of a total of seven novels since 1963). DeLillo’s still writing, and so is Philip Roth. And that’s just Americans.
In (gasp) popular-form music, Sufjan Stevens. Mike Watt (regardless of whether you like that kind of thing, a punk opera based on Dante’s Divine Comedy qualifies as serious intent). Heck, that recent Arcade Fire album.
I’m sure someone else can provide namechecks for movies/television and visual art as well as other types of popular music.
Maybe you’re not looking in the right places. Or maybe you’re not looking at all?
Perhaps I’ve not been looking in the right places, Lisa, as the things that are so up front are the shallow, Hollywood standards based on impossible manikin-like physiques. My point was really that the majority of people are not aware of these other things and therefore if we as a society continue on the path we are on, none of these things will be remembered even if they are worth remembering. However, I do not see the necessity of your nasty little dig “maybe you’re not looking at all.” As a society we are also as a whole much ruder to one another, which is also not a positive thing.
Lisa,
The more salient point Faycin made was that Americans aren’t interested in meaningful works of art any more. Pynchon didn’t even crack the NYTimes bestseller list, despite his novels being highly anticipated and critically acclaimed. But the entire written word is becoming less and less popular as our culture becomes more and more digitally-inclined. The first time most people will hear the name Pynchon will be in reference to the film adaptation of “Inherent Vice,” but considering PT Anderson is rumored to direct, most people won’t go see that either.
What Faycin said was correct: we are a shallow society that values simply, easy-to-digest entertainment over in-depth, thought-provoking, challenging content. Yeah, there are people who still seek that out, but the vast majority of our society is completely ignoring it. And the vast majority of those who are in the creative field are producing mind-numbingly banal works, while a relative few are crafting true art. But the money is not in artistic endeavors, only mindless pop.
Peace,
Shannon
Wow, Lisa, I hope that you don’t talk to people like that in real life. Your reply to Faycin comes off as an attack. I’d not heard of any of these artists either. I’m sure they’re wonderful, but your approach makes me think “wow, if this is the kind of person that’s into them, I’m not so sure I want to find out more about them.” Because obviously I too have been looking in the wrong places or not at all.
Saying something like “I beg to differ that there are no important artists” without the (frankly, douchey) attack statement at the end would have been far more effective and far less sniping. Most people respond better to polite retorts than to personal attacks. Maybe you didn’t mean it that way, but it certainly comes off that way to me.
I guess I’m too literal. When someone asks me how someone else is, I tell them, and I don’t say they “look good” or “look great”, I say they’re doing fine, or they’re having some problems, or whatever. But then, I’ve never rated people on looks. What I like about people is their sense of humor, their intelligence, their compassion, their respect for others - in other words, all the things that make them a person, and looks are a very small part of that.
Hell, I don’t even judge the actors/actresses I like mainly on their looks - if they don’t have a sense of humor, aren’t intelligent, don’t treat others with respect, or don’t have a voice that gives me chills, I’m not interested in them no matter how much talent everyone else thinks they have (talent is good, but it’s not much use without all the other things I listed).
Shannon, it’s been nice getting to know you but I don’t think I’m going to be participating here any more. I’m too sensitive of a personality and I’ve seen a fair bit of meanness. Sometimes I just can’t deal with it. Best of luck with everything and I’m glad there are people like you who are bold enough to do what some of us wish we could but don’t have the emotional fortitude to. Maybe I’ll find you on facebook or such. Thanks for everything you do.
That is bizarre. Imagine if we answered for ourselves that way?
“How are you today, Shannon?”
“I look fucking hot as hell!”
That would be creepy. But it’s okay to talk about others like that?
It took me a minute to register the metastatic cancer comment, but then I remembered my friend who had stage 4 esophageal cancer… yeah, that would have applied.
Peace,
Shannon
I think I’ll answer with “I look fucking hot as hell” the next time one of the Fat Police that I work with asks me how I am! That ought to take them off guard!
Shannon, exactly my point re: the cancer comment. I wrote a blog a while ago about my good friend with cancer and in her case, knowing her body size would have been indicative of how she was doing, health wise, at that time in her life. And Vesta, I agree, and maybe I’m a literal person as well. When an inquiry into how a person is doing is answered with an adjective about fat or thin, I know nothing about their life.