Outside Looking In
Most of us can relate to the feeling of being an outsider, whether it’s because of our weight, our “beauty” (or lack thereof), our intelligence, our sexuality or our views on certain issues (like fat acceptance, but other things too).
When I was a kid I was one of the smartest students in the class. It was known that I loved to read and one guy used to call me a “Walking, Talking Dictionary.” It was the only nickname I ever had. I spent not a few recesses outside reading instead of hanging out with the other girls, thanks to feeling huge and awkward (yay early puberty!). If I wasn’t running, there was nothing bouncing or jiggling, right?
Trigger Warning for the following: suicide
Paul Murphy from Thunder Bay Ontario, who runs the Obesity Thunder Bay Ning site, sent me a link yesterday on Twitter. There are a couple of things I want to talk about today related to that. The article is from ABC News from April, and it details two girls who committed suicide while at a slumber party. Why? Bullying. They were as close as sisters and one was being taunted at school because of her weight. From the article (bolding mine):
Settle said that her niece, Haylee, had been the victim of bullying after moving to Minnesota from Indiana with her mother and 8-year-old brother. “She was made fun of for being overweight, her red hair,” Settle said. “She posted on my [Facebook] wall that she really wanted to come back…that the people were mean and cruel and she didn’t fit in.”
Even though Haylee wasn’t severely overweight, she was so uncomfortable about her size that she rarely ate in public at school, Settle said[..]“They were best friends. Haylee started school here about a year ago and over the course of the year, they’d become best friends,” said Brett Behnke, Paige’s uncle. Paige played hockey and was teaching Haylee to skate, Behnke said. “She had a big, round face and a smile that’s intoxicating, just a charmer,” Behnke said of his niece. The two girls were so close, Haylee had hyphenated her last name on Facebook to include Paige’s last name.
Hayley and Paige
The article quotes Hayley’s aunt as saying “They (kids who are being bullied) don’t think they have anywhere to go to.” This happened a month ago, but I’m sure their friends and families are reeling from the shock. I hope the kids who were bullying Hayley feel terrible for their part and use this as an opportunity to grow into better people.
Being 13 sucks for everyone, but it sucks more if you’re on the outside looking in. At the beginning of this school year there were a slew of bullying-related school-suicides by LGBTQ youth across America that woke people up to the reality that bullying is not to be tolerated by anyone: not teachers or principals, not by kids on the playground, and certainly not by the people who are being bullied. But, I’m sad to say, it’s going to take a long time to eliminate it from our playgrounds and school yards. In the meantime there ARE lots of places kids can go to talk to someone about being bullied: there are guidance counselors and compassionate teachers, their parents or a close adult friend, their coaches and mentors. As an adult who’s been there — and most of us have, while being told to just ignore it and it will go away — we want to listen. We want kids and youth to come to us and tell us what’s going on. We will fight for those kids and protect them. Like Hayley’s aunt, I don’t understand the mentality that drives kids to be cruel to other kids. I have to believe it’s a learned behavior; something kids pick up from their families or other kids, the TV, etc. Whatever it is, it has to stop. It has to stop before any more kids die, either by their own hand, weight loss surgery, or an eating disorder. If kids are our future, what the fuck are we doing to them?
JeninCanada
I was bullied very badly as a child and teenager, particularly in my early teens. I was ungainly, had braces and Martian headgear (would still like to get my hands on the sadist that invented that object!) was very shy, and, as it turned out, was mentally ill. When I look back on it, my bipolar disorder probably onset with the hormones of puberty. Those were not happy times. I’ve almost no doubt that if bullying via the Internet had been added, I would have completed one of my somewhat half-assed suicide attempts.
Regarding the bullies: don’t these little shits’ parents pay any kind of attention to what their monstrous spawn are doing online? I suppose you can’t pay attention every minute, but…I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I only know that whenever I see another case of suicide due to bullying, usually including bullying via the Internet, it makes me both sad and angry.
I completely agree. I remember how it was being 13 and hating the way I looked. It was awful. Building a healthy body image and self esteem starts from Day One. We need more positive role models to help this along.
I was bullied too, but I had a great support system (well, my mom and a priest, but still…) who reminded me constantly that I was loved and valued, regardless of what the assholes said. Somehow, it seeped in.
I definitely have major self-esteem issues, but it more stems from the fact that I think nobody likes me. I like myself just fine, I just know that others don’t and that hurts me.
I know the pain that bullying can cause and I wish we, as a society, would attack it head on. But many times the bullies are the most popular kids, both with other students and the teachers. But we need to keep putting the pressure on this issue so that we protect kids like Hayley and Paige from bullying that can lead to such self-loathing that there seems to be only one solution.
Peace,
Shannon
I was sorta kinda maybe bullied in school. I say that because it wasn’t really bullying like we see today, it was more that I was made to know that I didn’t fit in with my classmates in any way, shape, or form at all. At 7 years old, I had seen more of the world via travel than anyone I went to school with, including most of my teachers. I was an avid bookworm (not something that was recommended for girls in the 60s), and we moved to a town where everyone knew everyone and was related to everyone in one way or another and I had no relatives at all that were my age and hadn’t started school with any of my classmates. Talk about classic outsider who pretty much remained one throughout my entire school life. I retreated into my books and developed a go-to-hell, I-don’t-need-you attitude. It’s funny too, because I didn’t get bullied by the guys, I actually had a few guys that I was friends with (I didn’t date till after I graduated and left the state). The hard-core bullying started in high school and was done by a couple of girls - until I had a fist fight with one of them, and then they all left me alone, which suited me just fine. That whole school experience shaped my life in ways that are very difficult to change, even 40 years later. To this day, it takes me a long time to be able to trust people, and I very seldom let people get close to me. And to tell the truth, I don’t really like people, in general. I’ve seen how much harm they can do - when they’re children, to other children, and how they repeat that harm as teenagers and adults, to other teens and adults. I would be perfectly happy if I never had to leave the house other than to shop for groceries and clothes. As long as I had my books, internet, and occasional TV, I’d be happy if I never had to interact with humanity face to face ever again. And that’s a sad commentary on bullying and ostracism.
Eating Disorders: brought to you by bullying and fear of bullying. As a parent i try to instill in my kids that they are beautiful no matter their weight and i point out that our youngest eats veggies (has since she was 4, she has texture issues and dislikes most meats) and is heavier while our skinny as a rail oldest eats 3 helpings a night. we talk about how its genetic…..ect ect you know FA 101….
but we also talk about what to do when you get bullied or see someone getting bullied. i was told over and over again to ignore it and it will go away. It will NOT go away until you stand up to them. anti bully-ing experts tell us that the best way to stop a bully is to confront them in front of a teacher. i practice with my kids how to stand up to someone who is teasing you, and how to say “stop. what you are doing is wrong and its hurtful. you are being a bully and i don’t like it. you need to stop.” teach them to get sarcastic if they want, but they need to be TAUGHT to confront in a safe sane matter. IN FRONT OF AN ADULT IF POSSIBLE. the bullying may not take place there, but if the victim confronts a bully in front of someone then teachers are far more likely to help.
Dateline NBC had a great thing to watch with your kids as a jumping off point. They also have a bullying expert descibing how to help it…..http://www.clicker.com/tv/dateline-nbc/the-bystander-effect-of-bullies-1087215/
oh and its also important that the bystanders step in and stop bullying. Bullying and teasing is wrong. period. its never ok to make fun of someone. EVER> the NBC specail also talks about that. i know its hard to go against peer groups, but all it takes is one sane girl to change a whole crowd.
I was bullied horribly in school all the way through college. Yes, even in college. I have very little social skills due to that. I was bullied in college for my size and lack of social skills. Most of the bullying at that age was by other girls. I still don’t have female friends due to this. The girls would say that I was ugly, fat and would never get a date or have a baby. The boys on the other hand wanted to date me but I had such bad self-esteem that I couldn’t see that for years.
Now, I have no female friends and my only friend is my boyfriend. I don’t feel lonely still often I like to be around people like going on the bus or to the library, not necessarily to talk, but to be around other people.
There is a lot of bullying that goes on at the college level, at least in the early years. The hellspawn that I mentioned in my previous comment are let out on their own with very little supervision. When I was in college I wasn’t bullied awfully but there was a group of people who started the rumor that I was a “Satan worshiper” for my love of heavy metal music-huh, this happened when I was in high school too! Which just goes to show that it’s kind of bizarre for there to be an expectation that the immature shitheads who just graduated high school will in three months develop the maturity to be an adult in college…yeah, right.
I ended up dropping out after the first semester of my freshman year and going to a technical school where I learned about telecommunications and administrative assistant skills. To put this in perspective, this was 1984, the computers all had green screens and no graphics capabilities plus a whole massive megabyte of memory, the floppy disks really were floppy, and everything I learned about computers was obsolete in six months! Also I really didn’t like secretarial work so it was kind of a waste of a year. But even the small amount of bullying that happened in my first semester drove me to not return to college until many years later in my late 30′s when I got my emergency medical technician license.
Truth is, bullying can happen at every age in any atmosphere where cliques are allowed to thrive. But I think it does affect us worse when we’re young and unsure of ourselves.
Wow…rant ended, I guess? Anyway I am sorry you endured that crap. No-one should have to.
I also have the “Nobody Likes Me” syndrome. I think the fact that I am socially akward or “shy” as I call it. It gives people the impression that I am aloof and think I am better than everyone and that is why I don’t start conversations, join in conversations, etc. It’s not that at all. I’m just not good at starting conversations with people. Or keeping one up if someone starts one with me. I have been trying though. At least we all have each other. I like all of you!
That has happened to me too, many times. I have been referred to as “stuck up” on numerous occasions, but the fact is, I’m very shy and not at all sure of myself. People tell me to “just approach people and start talking” but it ain’t that easy!
Public school was pretty fine and despite being fat, I wasn’t an outcast in high school. I was even nominated for prom queen! We had quite a few fat kids and for the most part, other kids just didn’t care. There was one girl that tried to mess with me but I gave it right back to her—and after everything cooled, rumors got started about her that was sleeping with the girls’ softball coach, so what goes around comes around. Karma will get you in the end sooner or later.
Private school was a nightmare. I didn’t have as much money as the other kids and I got ridiculed for not having the latest fashion, which I didn’t care about and I let them know it. I also got quite a few racist remarks because there weren’t a lot of students with my coloring either. When it was almost time for my seventh grade year to end, my mother and I let the school know because of the awful remarks, I would not return to finish my last year. The school tried to persuade me to return—and one of the guys that gave me grief actually called me on the phone one night (probably because his mother got wind of him being an asshole) and tried to talk me into coming back. But I held my ground and told him absolutely not, I wasn’t returning to such a toxic environment and that his attitude needed to change as well. It was a great feeling leaving that school!
Unfortunately, most schools are not doing their part to prevent bullying, and including fat-shaming programs disguised as health programs with their other curriculum certainly doesn’t help.
I wouldn’t call my experiences with bullying/teasing all that notable but what I do remember is going to my teacher and being told that this was happening because I was different and if I would stop being different then the teasing would stop. Now, for some odd reason I didn’t ask my teacher for help in identifying the changeable aspects of difference. I couldn’t change my skin color or my disability and I needed to wear my glasses. Plus I know now that changing my weight was nearly impossible. But, I would have appreciated some help in learning basic social skills and anything else that really was in my power. It seemed like each time I tried to act like my peers so they’d stop teasing me I’d get in trouble with my teacher.
Eventually my primary bully got expelled. (The principal was not happy with me for reporting the last straw incident but I’m glad I did. I suspect she felt the bullying would help me in some way.) A time later he even apologized to me when we were on the same bus.
I moved to a small private middle and high school and and the teasing mostly stopped. The uniform helped. That was the only time in my life I’ve been told I had self-esteem.
Don’t you just love those people who think that bullying will “make kids stronger?” Yeah… in the same way that cutting your finger off will make it stronger! That’s about how much sense that particular argument makes!