Origin Unknown —
I have a tendency to keep my personal life personal. I rarely dig deep and share my life experiences as a way of illustrating points. This is largely due to the fact that my experience as a fat man rarely coincides with the typical experience of fat women, who experience the brunt of society’s anti-fat crusade.
But one of the things that brought me to Fat Acceptance is the fact that I’m a Fat Admirer, something I explained early on in my Fatosphere blogging career. Admitting as much brought down the wrath of Fat Acceptance purists who shamed me for daring to write about Fat Acceptance, when I had neither the experience nor the noble motives of traditional Fat Acceptance bloggers. I tried to explain at the time that because my experience as a fat man shielded me from much of the negativity that fat women experience, it was only through dating fat women that I began to understand the need for Fat Acceptance.
Aside from these two instances, I have only written about my experience as an FA (which, in this post, will refer to Fat Admirer) one other time on Tumblr when the discussion of FAs came up.
The reason I’m bringing it up today is that I’ve been reading more and more comments and posts, like this one by Amber, about whether the FA label is useful and whether we ought to just get rid of it all together. Although I believe that my sexual preference has absolutely no bearing on Fat Acceptance as a political and civil rights movement, I do think discussions of identity are important. But this will necessarily involve me discussing my personal experience in detail, hence the TMI Tuesday tag. Therefore, this post isn’t exactly about Fat Acceptance per se, but the subject does have an impact on the Fat Acceptance community. So, here we go…
First of all,the “plight” of the Fat Admirer is completely and utterly separate from the experience of fat people in general, and fat women in particular. Much of what I have experienced as an FA is simply a splinter from the board of brutality with which society bludgeons fat women (and fat men, although the tolerance level for a fat man is much higher, in my opinion).
My point is not to compare the FA experience to the fat female experience, as I know that fat women must endure exponentially worse treatment than the FA. However, there are consequences for being an FA which I would like to share as part of my experience and which have affected me personally. I believe that understanding those consequences and those experiences may help people understand why this identity is important to me.
Secondly, I think the term “Fat Admirer” sucks. I don’t “admire” fat. I don’t think that fat makes an excellent companion or has achieved impressive goals that deserve my adoration. I don’t sit around talking with my friends about how awesome fat is and how I can’t wait for them to meet my few friend, Fat.
But for now, I will refer to it as such to simplify the discussion. We can talk about semantic changes later.
At its very core, being a Fat Admirer is no more different than being a Brunette Admirer (which I am) or an Intelligence Admirer (which I am) or a Smartass Admirer (which I am).
However, there is a difference in the way our culture interprets that “admiration.” If I am seen dating a woman with brown hair or a woman who reads Pynchon or a woman who speaks fluent sarcasm, society doesn’t bat an eye. Most people have a physical preference. In fact, most people have a whole catalog of physical preferences, but in our modern, metropolitan culture, we treat those preferences as the natural diversity of human attraction.
But every once in a while society sets a certain group as “off limits” for human attraction. Throughout the 20th century, there were taboos about inter-racial and same sex dating. These taboos were enforced both culturally and physically. Culturally, society was constantly reminded of how repulsive these attractions were, and this was enough to discourage the majority of the population. Physically, those who ignored the taboos and pursued their attraction could face physical harm, if not death.
Today, inter-racial and same sex relationships no longer face the same intensity of taboo as before. Culturally, both have achieved widespread acceptance throughout mainstream society and less acceptance in areas where widespread prejudice and homophobia still reign. Both taboos still face some threat of physical danger, but this becomes increasingly rarer with each generation accepting greater diversity of human attraction.
In fact, it seems that very few relationship taboos still exist (although I’m sure somebody will be willing to correct me).
Fat Admiration seems to have filled the vacuum left by widespread acceptance of inter-racial and same sex relationships. Society has determined that being fat is such a horrible, unhealthy, and hideous state that nobody could ever be attracted to a fat person, let alone love them. We’ve been hearing that message almost constantly for five decades or more and although it hits fat people the hardest, the same messages impact how Fat Admirers feel about themselves and their attraction. Therefore, Fat Admiration became culturally taboo, although FAs do not face the same threat of physical harm that other taboos have.
In short, society has not only decided that nobody would ever be attracted to fat women, but that those who do claim to be attracted to fat women are somehow flawed or defective.
My experience as a Fat Admirer stems largely from this taboo realm, the navigation of which as a sexually developing adolescent forms the basis of many of my opinions on the subject. Although there is some common ground among any identity, I am not speaking on behalf of all FAs. I can only speak to my experience and what it has meant to me.
My FA Journey
I can trace back my physical preference to age five. I recall being drawn to larger women early on. Something about fat bodies was warm and reassuring to me. Since neither of my parents have ever been fat, I have no idea what the source of these feelings could be. I only recall the feelings as a child without reference to right or wrong.
As a child, I learned about attraction, dating and girls from my older brothers, Shamus and Shantung. Of course, none of this education was directly aimed at me. I gleaned what I could from eavesdropping on their conversations with guy friends or by witnessing firsthand how they interacted with girls.
Unlike myself, both of my brothers had a generous number of friends and an even more generous number of girls vying for their attention (my knowledge of which came either from eavesdropping on their discussions of my brothers or from witnessing their advances firsthand).
Witnessing my brothers’ popularity with friends and with girls triggered a kind of personal ambition that would haunt me throughout my adolescence. I wanted to be like them: I wanted friends to hang out with and girls speaking in hushed tones about how cute I was.
I had been told how much I looked like my brothers, so I didn’t really understand why I had neither friends nor girls interested in me (although in this in-depth and highly personal post, I lay out all of the reasons why I believe that was so). I liked my personality and my sense of humor, and when I looked in the mirror, I liked what I saw, so why wasn’t the world beating down my door?
This familial dissonance inspired a fear that there was something wrong with me, something different which I could not overcome for the sake of normalcy. I knew inside that I was not the same kind of person as my brothers, but I believed that as long as I maintained that normalcy, that maybe I could achieve their status as popular, attractive people.
This meant suppressing anything that I felt made me less-than-cool. For example, when I switched to a new school in seventh grade, I decided not to ride my bike to and from school because my brothers no longer rode bikes. Every day, I walked the mile to school rather than risk my new reputation by looking “childish” on a bike.
Of course, this self-consciousness affected my natural attraction to fat women. Although I felt my attraction deeply, I dared not express it, let alone act on it.
At that same new school, I recall my first unshakable crush.
See, prior to this point, I had a ton of crushes… a new one every week. And I had no problem acting on those crushes. I could fill another Teal Deer post with my failed attempts at wooing girls: the cubic zirconia tennis bracelet I found in our yard and presented to a girl at our sixth grade Valentine’s Day party; the countless poems I wrote, then delivered sheeplishly before running away; the unsolicited phone calls in which I attempted meaningful contact.
Yeah, I had no clue what the fuck I was doing. My brothers never explained how or why girls were attracted to them (not that they could, even if I had asked), but through the magic of Hollywood, I surmised that romantic gestures were the key to any girls’ heart.
Guess what? They aren’t.
Part of the problem, I think, is that I didn’t really like the girls I was wooing. Without exception, they were chosen entirely because they were the girls that I learned were attractive, not girls I was personally attracted to. I imagined that if I could get Jill to go out with me, then my popularity would skyrocket and I would assume my rightful place as one of the cool kids.
Instead, I subjected myself to countless rejection for an ideal I didn’t believe in.
But at this new school, I began with a clean slate. This point was driven home by the fact that the summer before I transferred, my parents and I met with the nuns (did I mention this was Catholic school) to discuss the fact that there was another student two years younger than me who was also named Shannon Russell. The nuns offered to let me change my name in school to prevent any confusion or teasing (and I did toy with the idea of calling myself Tony), but I ultimately stuck with Shannon, for better or worse.
Beginning in seventh grade, I could define myself. Nobody knew me. Nobody knew my brothers.
So when our class of 18 kids switched rooms with the eighth-graders for History class, I was unprepared for the visceral, intense response I had to a fat girl in that room.
Whereas my previous crushes required a kind of vetting (“Oh yes, she’s definitely attractive. I should ask her out.”), the sight of this girl struck me in a way that I can still feel to this day: the tense ball in my stomach, the shallow breaths as though my lungs constricted, the tingling of aura around my heart and head.
There was nothing cerebral about my attraction to her. My attraction was purely chemical, as the adrenaline-like surge of neurohormones produced an angelic glow about this eighth grade angel.
Each day afterward, I was sure to be first in the room so I could sit behind her as she packed up and left. For some reason, possibly being the relative dearth of exposed flesh under the parochial uniform, her calves were particularly alluring to me. Thicker than any other girls’ calves, I became transfixed by their fullness and shape. The mere sight of her legs gave me the dopamine fix I needed, and left me daydreaming of her throughout class.
(Now, I need to stop here for just a second to point out to those who are, at this moment, thinking, “Ah ha! You objectifying bastard! You have reduced this girl, whose name you don’t even recall, to a mere body part: her calves.” While this is true, you’re also talking about a 12-year-old boy awash in hormones and freedom. So, yeah, if you want to say that my 12-year-old self was an objectifying asshole, be my guest, but you’d be severely limiting your understanding. And yes, I don’t remember her name because that was 20 years ago and I never spoke to her once, let alone asked her name.)
Thus began The Confusion.
The Confusion
The Confusion began when I understood that I found fat girls more attractive than thin girls, but everything I had learned about girls from my brothers, from family and friends, and from the culture in general told me that thin girls were more attractive than fat girls. In fact, I learned that fat women were not attractive in any way, shape or form, absolutely and for eternity.
The mistake I made was believing that my brothers, my family and friends, and my culture could determine this as factual, and that my feelings violated that fact. That violation prevented me from embracing my attraction and, in some instances, actively reject that attraction in order to appear normal.
For example, I learned early on never to express my attraction to Candace Cameron in “Full House.”
But, oh, did I have it bad for DJ.
I remember telling a classmate that I thought DJ was cute and being told that she was too fat.
Too fat? Really?
Ironically, there’s an episode of “Full House” where DJ wants to lose weight for an upcoming pool party and takes it too far, eventually collapsing on a stationary bike. Of course, by the end, DJ learns to love herself unconditionally (which is the opposite of what this asshole learned from the episode, but that’s another story).
I soon buried my feelings for DJ, the eighth grade girl, and pretty much anyone else I felt attracted to, in order to maintain appearances of normalcy. I didn’t want to get called out on my attraction again. I didn’t want people to explain to me why it was weird for me to find a chubby teen celebrity attractive, let alone to bring home a fat girlfriend and have my family laugh.
So, I found myself pursuing two paths. The first path led to dating women I wasn’t physically attracted to, but who I thought others would approve of, including my first girlfriend, Ainslie, who I asked out instead of the less traditionally attractive Katie (which you can read about in my Tumblr post on FAs).
My second girlfriend, Anna, I saw at my grade school’s carnival. Being a sophomore in high school, I didn’t know anyone there, so I felt more comfortable approaching her without fear of what others thought. It turned out that she knew some female friends of mine, but I found it easier to openly date a fat women around women than around what few guy friends I had or, worse, my brothers.
This went on throughout high school, as I dated several thin girls who I flaunted like trophy wives, proud of my ability to attract those I believed others would find attractive. Meanwhile, I secretly found greater pleasure and satisfaction in my relationships with fat girls. As I explained the Tumblr post:
I never found happiness with the thin women. Was it because thin women are somehow deficient? Nope. It was because I was prioritizing looks over personality and choosing to date the person I thought society wanted me to date.
Some of my fondest relationships were with fat women. Was it because fat women are somehow superior? Nope. It was because her body was only the superficial layer that attracted me, which left me free to dig deeper and find out who that body belonged to.
That, to me, is what the similarity between homosexuals and FAs means. If you have a natural attraction to someone, then their physical beauty is the first thing you notice, but the last thing you care about. If you try to resist your natural attraction, if you seek to “fit in” rather than be yourself, then the physical is not only the first thing, but the only thing that matters.
What finally eased my inner turmoil was the internet.
Breaking Free
Although we initially only had access to CompuServe’s limited services, I frequented their dating service (all of which were free at the time) and from my secure, anonymous position, I was able to explore my attraction without fear of judgment.
Unleashed on these dating sites, I didn’t look at every profile, I looked for fat women and read their profiles.
Again, red flags. “But that’s objectification. You’re looking for fat first.”
Of course I was! For once in my life I could explore my sexual preference without inhibition. For once, I didn’t feel like society was peering over my shoulder and taking notes on what I found attractive in a woman. For once, I could let my lust lead me, rather than my mind (and I think it’s fair to say that most 16-year-olds follow their lust).
Not long after CompuServe, we gained access to the World Wide Web. CompuServe restricted content to its private forums, while Internet Explorer offered an entire world of opportunities. While CompuServe allowed me to experience unbridled lust for the first time, Internet Explorer provided me with a community I never dreamed would exist.
Around 1996 or 1997, I first merged onto the information superhighway and soon discovered that there was such a thing as a “Fat Admirer.” Of course, I found this out when I discovered Dimensions Magazine, that den of debauchery, depravity and iniquity.
Marilyn Wann’s seminal book, “Fat!So?” wasn’t published until 1999, and Dimensions still had its claws in the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA). So, my first encounters with Fat Acceptance meant they were one and the same with Dimensions.
Now, for all the horrible things Dimensions has done over the years, I have to credit that community with helping me overcome my cognitive dissonance. Finding out about Fat Admirers shifted my perception powerfully. Seeing others express the same loneliness, the same confusion, the same despair over what seemed a completely natural attraction helped me to understand myself.
This was the first powerful tool that identity gave me: I no longer saw myself as defective. I no longer felt that I need to be like everyone else. Knowing that others felt this way meant that some people were just born this way, or else the psychological imprint formed early.
The second powerful tool was that it taught me acceptance. Once I knew that I wasn’t alone, that they hadn’t broke the mold with me, I was able to accept myself as a unique person. Maybe there weren’t a million FAs out there like me, but if I wasn’t alone, then I wasn’t a freak. I was just a statistical anomaly. I had long since accepted that I was different from my brothers, but now I could see that one out of three wasn’t bad.
As this weight fell from my shoulders, I could felt myself shedding any care that I previously had about society’s expectations. Rather than worrying about what others would think of me bringing a fat girl to the school dance, I embraced the fact that whatever they thought, it mattered little compared to the joy that freedom had brought me.
The first time that my newfound confidence paid off dividends would be the summer before my Senior year. I attended a private, Catholic all-guy high school, which required all students to volunteer in some capacity. I chose to work at a camp for mentally retarded/developmentally disabled adults.
At least a dozen counselors were my classmates, none of whom I was friends with, but all of whom I had felt pressured to conform to. With my brothers long-since graduated and gone on to college, I now only feared the opinions of my classmates. Why? I have no idea, since I hadn’t a friend among my entire class (majority of my friends were the girls who attended one of the local, Catholic, all-girl schools).
While at camp, I met a girl, Allison. She was cute, funny, quirky and fat, and I liked her intensely. But nagging at the back of my mind was the opinions of my classmates. And so, I walked with her and talked with her and kept on eye on whoever was around.
But as the week went on, both eyes turned toward Allison, and the pleasure I felt in being with her was enough. I began to recognize the irrational importance I had placed on the opinions of those I not only didn’t care about, but in many cases disdained. I feared being looked down upon by those who thought little of me to begin with. Why was I limiting myself? Why did I care?
So our relationship flourished, as did my confidence, so that Allison and I spent one evening, after the campers were in bed, walking down to the small pond. We sat at the edge of the dock, beneath a benevolent moon, holding onto each other like star-crossed lovers.
Of course, then one of the grownups running the camp found us and lectured us about straying from camp, but the moment still lingered.
After that, I still dated thin women and fat women, but I didn’t decide based on what others thought. I knew, then, that I was a Fat Admirer and that I could pursue whatever relationship I wanted because it felt right, not because it looked right.
Gradually, I paid less and less attention to thin women. Although I dated plenty of thin women with personalities I found attractive, there was something missing… that adrenaline-rush of attraction I felt from the eighth grade girl. Now, I learned that what I wanted in a mate had certain physical and emotional characteristics.
Embracing Myself
Embracing my identity as a Fat Admirer allowed me to accept what I was told was unacceptable. Embracing my identity as a Fat Admirer allowed me to pursue my own happiness, rather than feel obligated to the happiness of others. Embracing my identity as a Fat Admirer allowed me to figure out what I really wanted and needed in a relationship.
For me, learning about the Fat Admirer identity opened me up to a world of self-acceptance that would otherwise have taken years to discover. The same thing happens when we first learn about Fat Acceptance as well: we open ourselves to a world of self-acceptance that we might otherwise take a lifetime to find on our own.
Now all of this is my experience and it certainly does not reflect what all FAs have experienced, let alone the experiences that fat women have had with FAs. However, I would respectfully ask that if you wish to judge FAs, you do so on an individual level, rather than making blanket statements that hurt both me, and others like me, who proudly identify as FAs.
In the past few days, I’ve read quite a few of these blanket statements, including the following:
- Maybe it;s not so much what labels ( I personally am not a big fan ) one uses, and why so many hide behind them.
- Is it possible that maybe the term FA really stands for fucking asshole?
- if someone described themselves to me as an FA and then asked me out I’d be insulted and objectified, it is entirely negative and I don’t know why anyone cant see that.
- if old outdated terms were meant to stay then people would still think it was pc to use the term poof and Lezzie, they don’t any more. Of course ignorant people will still use it but it doesn’t make it ok.
- I hear “FA” and I automatically think “only interested in casual sex, fetishizing my fat.”
- I’m not going to sympathize with a group of men who put their sexual desires for a particular body type above and beyond anything else.
- Most FAs I’ve met like fat bodies. They don’t like fat *people*.
Are there depraved FAs? Hell yeah there are. A shitload of them too. But many of them have may not have developed a health view of sexuality due to that isolation and shame. I believe we wouldn’t see quite so many creepy FAs if Fat Acceptance didn’t contribute that shame, which pushes FAs toward communities like Dimensions, where a distorted and unhealthy sexuality are celebrated and glorified.
Instead of judging all FAs based on a few bad experiences, I would respectfully ask you to try and understand how having a nontraditional attraction in a world with stark, black and white rules for attraction, might affect the sexual development of a young man or woman, particularly in an environment where fat hatred is even more prevalent and where the beauty ideals are now being reinforced by the healthist claims that portraying fat women as beautiful is “enabling obesity.”
Imagine what an adolescent FA today must be going through, ashamed of his attraction and bombarded by messages that fat is the worst possible thing anyone could be.
We need a compassionate view of Fat Admirers now more than ever, before we send a whole new generation to learn about their sexuality from the same depraved individuals, whose depravity has little to do with their preference.
Such a deep, personal and interesting story. A couple of things I wish Fat Admirers took for consideration:
* Having carnal and emotional preferences for fat women does NOT entitle them to judge and despise skinny women nor say comments like ‘real women have curves’. On OKCupid profiles you don’t find things like ‘turn on: men who say Kate Moss looks like an alien’. It is NOT sexy. It does not make me feel better about myself, it just makes me feel disgusted about ever considering you in my life. If hearing blokes talk about how skinny women are inferior, disgusting and ‘not real women’ improves your self-esteem, maybe you don’t need a fat-burning injection in the stomach: you need an injection of human decency and compassion in the brains.
* It is not enough to find me attractive. You also need to be empathetic and understand my struggles and situations in the world. After telling this friend of mine about all the very real verbal and physical abuse I’ve been through and the constant messages from the media and society, he just said ‘you need to work on your body image because you’re wonderful’. WHAT? He was basically telling me that all this abuse, all this violence, was all in my head, and I just needed to love myself. I already do! It’s the world that is fucked up! Just because you think fat girls are beautiful it does not mean we live in a crystal castle with cotton candy pillows, a buffet of semi-naked gorgeous men bringing us tea and cake, wrapped in the finest silks, cleaning our arses with gold leaf. And he was expecting me to ditch my VERY Fat Activist, openly feminist, caring-about-humanity fiancé for him! I’ll tell you what will exist in his head forever and ever and no chance to exist anywhere else: his cock inside my cunt. Dealbreaker!
Fat Admirers, fat or skinny or inbetweenie, should join the fight as well and love thy neighbour, whether you want to fuck them or not. I trust more someone who says ‘I only feel sexually attracted to slim girls, but I respect you as a human being and I will fight until I die for your rights to be accepted, included, respected, and fearlessly loved in this world’ than someone who says ‘oh, sugar, you’re so hot. If I wanted to fuck a 12 year old Chinese boy, I would fuck a 12 year old Chinese boy. You’re more to love!’ And you’re more to go fuck yourself.
First of all, thanks for actually reading it, Cyn. And welcome to Fierce Fatties.
I agree with you 1,000% on all counts. I think the “real women have curves” thing is a n00b attitude for both fat women who have found Fat Acceptance and Fat Admirers who are wanting to espouse their acceptance of fat women. In both cases, I think its a well-intentioned smear that needs immediate correction and explanation. Thin women are not the enemies of fat women or Fat Admirers. The enemy is the culture that puts a priority on thin bodies over fat bodies, and we are all victims of that culture. Simply turning the tables is unacceptable at every level.
As far as the friend who wants you to love yourself in spite of the abuse… again, well-intentioned ignorance is just as painful as intentional asshattery. He probably thought he was encouraging you to rise above, but how do you rise above a lifetime of dehumanization? It’s not that easy, and suggesting that it is implies that the woman has somehow failed to properly assign those messages to the dustbin of history. All the hate a person experiences in life becomes a weight tied to your ankle. The uninformed person will tell you to simply sever the rope around your ankle, but people who truly understand will tell you that you’ll never sever that rope, but you may gain the strength to soar in spite of that weight.
Fat Admirers have a deserved reputation for Robin Hood Syndrome: they are here to rescue fat women from the morass of self-loathing by showering them with affection and attention. That attitude needs to end now. Fat Admiration is nothing more than a preference outside of what society deems appropriate or acceptable. It is unlike any other preference in that it generates intense skepticism, scrutiny and contempt both within and without the fat community. But in the end, it is only a preference. Whatever issues an FA brings to that table is his and his alone.
Thanks again for reading.
Peace,
Shannon
I guess I don’t quite understand the need for there to be a fat admirer label at all. As you say, there are a wide variety of factors that combine together to make someone attractive to you or someone else and by asserting your fat admirer-hood to a woman you’re interested in, you really are telegraphing that her fat is the most important factor here. You mention that you’re a brunette-admirer and a smart girl admirer, but that’s not something you’d necessarily go up to someone and say.
I dated a self-identified FA once when I was losing weight as a side effect of HAES and I remember feeling such anxiety that he would maybe not like me anymore if my body got smaller. That shouldn’t even be a thing. That shouldn’t be part of a love relationship, feeling like a person is interested in my fat body rather than all of me. When I meet a new gentleman I don’t want to know that he likes girls who look like me, I want to know that he likes ME.
Add to that the creepy reputation, deserved or not, that some fat admirers have and I really think it’s the kind of label that should be scrapped altogether. At the very very least, if you would miss the community aspect of your fat admirerhood, maybe come up with a different name for those of you who are not creepy. Maybe Non-Objectifying Fat Admirers, or NOAFs?
Carrie,
I think the value of the label is largely a political context… in a culture where the media actively seeks to convince us that fat people are ugly and that nobody will love them, it is valuable to have some people stand up and say, “Actually, that’s not true.” Our culture does not currently promote that message for any other attribute (or at least with the intensity that it is happening with fat people).
As far as stating my fat admirer-hood up front… well, that depends on the context. When I was dating, I attended BBW/FA dances, so every guy there (particularly if they weren’t fat guys) were assumed to be FAs. Outside of that, if I met a woman online the subject only came up if she mentioned her weight in the context of attractiveness. For example, if she said something like, “I don’t really date that much because I’m fat.” I might say that I prefer larger women in order to assuage whatever concerns she has about how I perceive her weight. I was always under the impression that weight is one of the biggest concerns for a woman, especially in a dating situation, hence the reason many women are so self-conscious on a dinner date. My thought was that by expressing my status as an FA, even if only mentioning that I prefer larger women, was to defuse whatever tension she was feeling over the issue. Obviously, this doesn’t always work, particularly if she has a history with asshole FAs. But that was my mindset at the time. But I would do the same thing if she mentioned something else that she didn’t like. Let’s say she felt self-conscious about her glasses and mentioned looking nerdy, I would probably say, “I think glasses are attractive on a woman.” It’s a way of helping her feel less self-conscious.
I can understand the body issue with FAs. I think it’s just a flip flop of the woman who is afraid of gaining weight because of what her mate may think. But how he responds to changes in your body says more about him as a man than about him as an FA. He’s either shallow and only interested in your body (and, hence, willing to bolt if you don’t meet his expectations) or his FA status is just one of the things that he likes about you and weight loss isn’t an issue.
At the same time, I know women who prefer dating FAs because of a similar, if opposite, reason. Some fat women like knowing that her body is definitely attractive to him, and not something he merely accepts. But I think that’s a “glass half full/glass half empty” situation and dependent upon your needs.
But yeah, a new term is needed to wipe the slate clean. We’ll talk more about that tomorrow.
Thanks for reading!
Peace,
Shannon
Well. Let me start by saying that I always enjoy your writing, Shannon. Even when I know you’re about to unleash some fresh new sh*tstorm, I still look forward to reading your take on things. Partly because you make me laugh and because most of the time, I tend to agree with you. But the best thing is when you force me to think. Your recent story explaining your preference for fat women has had me thinking for a long time this afternoon. I found it rather sweet, and I appreciate hearing a man’s point of view on a subject that can be so fraught with emotional danger for so many women. After reading some of the nasty things that are often said about those who prefer larger bodies, (usually within a sexual context) I often think to myself “why are so many of us so angry?” But when I examine my own feelings toward the term “fat admirer”, the anger seems easier to understand. Not that I agree with all the sentiments expressed; just that in my own case, I can see below the anger.
So why does your story sit so heavily on my mind? It is your experience, and because I feel like I have come to know you a bit through your writing, I feel fairly confident that you do not fall into the category of “creepy FA’s”. Yet I am still uneasy. I know there are many men out there who prefer fat women, or at the very least, do not immediately judge a woman worthy or unworthy based solely on her weight/size. And as you point out so eloquently, there’s nothing wrong with having a preference. However, the waters start to get muddy when a preference becomes a fetish, and because FAT has so many negative connotations to it, anyone with a preference towards a larger body automatically becomes associated with that negativity. I’m not saying it’s right or that we shouldn’t examine why it is the way that it is. I’m saying that identifying as an FA means that you also get identified (rightly or not) with those associated negatives.
Let me derail for a moment to say that for the sake of this discussion, I am not referencing fetishists of any ilk and have no desire to declare an opinion on any activity that two (or more) intelligent, discerning, and consenting adults may engage in. However, it is clear that there is a distinct connection, in the minds of much of the public at least, that being an admirer of fat bodies means you’ve got a fetish. And more than likely a screw loose. That’s just the way it is. Late twentieth century culture has made sure of it by demonizing fat as unnatural and unattractive for decades and as we can attest, the twenty-first century isn’t shaping up any better. In fact it’s becoming worse.
And yet…….. And yet. For some reason, I am still uncomfortable with the idea that someone might find me attractive simply based on my body type and that I should be okay with that. I totally get that it’s about chemicals and hormones and what one finds warm and inviting. It’s all very personal and wrapped up in childhood and memory of Mother and where we were and who we were with when those adolescent hormones started kicking in. But as a fat woman who’s worked very hard to be okay with my body, it’s still a huge leap for me to truly “believe” that someone who sees me as a “body” can also see me as a person. Maybe it’s because growing up fat meant that if I was going to be acceptable, I had to develop other qualities to make up for my fat. Like, if I could be smart enough, or funny enough, then maybe no one would notice my size. The message was crystal clear: no one would choose to be my friend (or lover) unless I could make them forget about my body. I had to be visible by making my body invisible. I know, it’s f*cked up. But I don’t think my experience is all that unusual.
I can’t speak to your experience as a boy who became a man who prefers fat women. I can only speak to my experience as a fat woman trying to negotiate my way in an increasingly hostile world. But let me tell you about my one and only (that I know of) experience with an FA. I was very young at the time, very unsure, and very inexperienced, and I had a man follow me home from a convenience store one afternoon. He had seen me getting in and out of my car and apparently liked what he saw enough to follow. Not a great dating strategy on his part, and I can assure you that I was absolutely terrified once I realized that I was being followed. I drove very fast and very unsafely so that I could get into my driveway and into my home before he could reach me. I cannot begin to explain how frightening this was, but it was way back in the time before cellphones, so I was truly alone. It was sheer terror, and my adrenaline must have been shooting through the roof because I was clearly in “flight mode”. I made it out of my car and into the fenced yard before he pulled into the driveway, and I exploded in rage. I probably scared the piss out of him, but it was no more than he deserved. I mean, who in the Hell follows a stranger home from the store????
Honestly, I have no idea if he was really a creepy FA or not; he may have just been a lonely guy who thought he saw someone he could connect with—I don’t know. In my advanced maturity, I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt. And I certainly hope that I gave him something to think about before he approached the next unsuspecting object of his desire, because had he gotten out of his car, I think I could have killed him with my bare hands. Fortunately he was smart enough to stay buckled up and he apologized for scaring me. What still surprises me is that he still had the guts to ask me out which, in retrospect, is kind of weird because I had to have looked like a complete lunatic by that point. I calmed down enough to ask him if he often picked up women by following them home and he said no, that this was the first time he’d ever done it. My hope is that he never did it again. And just for the record, I did not go out with him and I also got a very large dog shortly thereafter because I felt…… unsafe. Like I had been violated. I know that is a strong word, but that’s really how it felt—like a violation. The truth, though, is that it was a relatively benign experience. I wasn’t hurt. He apologized. Life went on. But don’t think that experience didn’t influence every other personal interaction I had with a man. Unfair? Perhaps, but understandable, I think. Not that I didn’t go on to have a successful dating life, because I did and I’ve been happily married for nearly 15 years. But I think it’s also safe to say that every other man I met had to deal with the baggage left by that one experience, and if anyone had told me that they were attracted to me because they had a thing for fat bodies, I would have run. Fast.
So where does that leave us?? I go back to “is it okay to have a preference towards a particular body type?” Of course it is. Just as it’s acceptable to prefer blondes or redheads or tallness or thickness or baldness or thinness or whatever. But from this fat woman’s perspective, declaring yourself an FA makes you automatically suspect. And I don’t know how to change that because I live in the same world that all of us do and I am exposed to the same cultural imperatives that color our perception and shape our views. Try to understand. It’s a monumental task to face the world every day as a fat woman and still feel good about myself, about my body, and about my appearance. Logically, I know that it’s okay if you (meaning “others”) like it too. Emotionally, though, it’s a much tougher sell.
Thanks CollieMom, for reading, and thank you for being so understanding.
Your experience was a nightmare, to be sure. But was it because he was an FA or because he was either (a) oblivious to threat he was posing or (b) an inconsiderate jackass?
I didn’t talk about it, but your comment reminded me that as an FA, I’ve felt judged both by society and by fat women. It’s a weird place to be, too. I think you expect fat women to feel relieved that her weight isn’t an issue, but then you realize that her weight is still an issue, it’s just become a different kind of issue.
The weird thing to me is that if a guy asks out a woman with a traditionally attractive body (big boobs, small waist, biggish hips), the fact that her body was part of the initial attraction isn’t immediately rejected as creepy or fetishistic (which I will define for simplicity’s sake as objectifying the body and ignoring the rest). It’s only if, after getting to know the woman, that he doesn’t advance beyond that simplistic attraction that the issue arises.
For FAs, it is assumed that their attraction is fetishisitc immediately, because why else would he be attracted? There is no way to know for sure, but I’m fairly confident that the percentage of “normal” guys who are fetishistic is comparable to the percentage of FAs who are fetishistic, which is to say that both are disturbingly high. But our culture has made it seem almost normal for a guy to objectify a traditionally attractive woman, while objectifying fat women is so bizarre that everyone’s red flags are raised as a symptom of this peculiar preference.
In the example of the guy who followed you home, you seemed to imply that his behavior was that of a creepy FA. But if that same situation happened to a thin woman, the creepiness would not be attributed to the fact that he has a traditional preference for thin women. It would be assumed that he’s just a creep. And I think that’s true for the general population… the peculiarity of attraction to fat bodies is so anathema to our culture that we attribute any corollary weirdness to the preference, rather than the unique weirdness of the individual.
I’m going to write more about this tomorrow because I don’t think you can talk about the FA issue without talking about FA creepers. But I understand why you, and many, many, MANY other fat women, are so suspicious of FAs. I just don’t know what, if anything, we should do about it.
Peace,
Shannon
You’re absolutely right, my friend-I don’t know for sure that my stalker was an FA. But I am a product of the culture in which we all swim, so all I can say is that as a young fat woman, having a man follow me home from the store meant one thing: he had a thing for fat chicks. And he was creepy.And that connection was made for precisely the reasoning put forth so well by jenincanada. Fat is gross and disgusting, hence, anyone attracted to my fatness must be gross and disgusting. Now, he was also clearly oblivious to the distress he caused, and it’s true that he might not have been attracted to my fat body at all. He may have had a thing for redheads. Or tall girls. Or tall redheads with a sparkling wit and a smashing smile-all of which I have. LOL But because he decided to follow me based on what he “saw”, and because there was no where else for me to go based on my experience, I made the leap to FA creeper. He may not have been creepy, however. Just impulsive and not real bright when it comes to approaching women. You’re also right that guys who are attracted to “us” have a rough row to hoe. I’ve often wondered what it must be like to try and convince someone that you think they are the cat’s meow when the message they’ve always been given is that they are wholly unlovable as they are. I don’t know what the answer is either, because I truly do believe that there are many wonderful guys out there with a preference for our body type. I suppose that talking about it-and perhaps, really listening when someone wants to discuss their experience, is as good a place to start as any. I’m looking forward to reading tomorrow’s post.
CollieMom,
It always made me sad when I had to “convince” the woman I was dating that she was beautiful. Words never worked, but I think actions did.
Peace,
Shannon
Maybe it’s being insular or whatever, and maybe I’m strange, but I really don’t see why this needs to be a “label” at all. You like fat women. I read this and I’m like ” … Okay? Do you want a cookie?” The mere fact that you prefer fat women to skinnier women has no impact on me. It’s a preference of yours that you’re entitled to have. I don’t mean to sound harsh if I do, but for me, reading this was like someone guiltily admitting that they prefer ketchup to mustard. It’s almost as if you protest too much. I don’t understand why this is some grand cultural taboo - but then again, I don’t understand people most of the time.
CC,
I understand. I just think that when you admit to preferring fat women, society looks at you strangely. They don’t look at you the way they would look at a person who prefer ketchup over mustard or blondes over brunettes. They look at you in the way that, I would imagine, people looked at those who admitted a preference for the same sex 20-30 years ago… as though there must be something wrong with you for not conforming.
The label is simply shorthand for the shared experience of being an FA, which, as an example, can involve explaining our preference at length to people who are genuinely baffled. I think its because of the oddity of the preference that makes the experience deserving of a label or, more specifically, an identity.
Peace,
Shannon
I can understand that point, definitely. I may also just be a little sensitive to the idea of labels, given my dealings in the autistic rights movement. People endlessly bitch and complain about whether they prefer to be called Aspie or Aspergian or person with AS or autistic or whatever, and it honestly starts to drive me crazy after a while … we’re all just people, deep down; why do we have to quibble about what we call ourselves?
I can understand apprehension or awkwardness over stating a preference for something that may not be “the norm”. But I’m just saying, if I can sound a bit self-absorbed … I really don’t care, cause that’s your business, and if someone else cares, I don’t really understand why, and I wish more people held my opinion.
CC,
That drives me up the wall too. Remember the “in-betweenie” disagreement? Personally, I don’t even care what people call themselves, I just don’t want them telling me what my label really means.
And I’ve always been a bit sensitive of the opinions of others. It’s one of my fatal flaws.
Peace,
Shannon
Yes CC! This is exactly what I was thinking
It’s a grand cultural taboo because NOONE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FAT ADMIRER. Noone. Ever. Fat people are fat, disgusting, gross. Anyone who LIKES fat on a woman, or a man, is OBVIOUSLY sick and twisted. Yes, you’re definitely being insular, as in, insulated from the larger world/hegemonic views and opinions of fat people.
Thanks for sharing all of that, Shannon. Have you considered writing a book? I think you should!
Thanks Jen,
I’ve always wanted to write a book, and clearly I’ve written the first two chapters here.
Peace,
Shannon
I joined Dimensions a long time ago, and was pretty much ignored by most of the people there. I’ve started getting a few messages from men now that I’m married (and I haven’t been back to the site to update my status, hell, I can’t even remember if I used vesta44 or my real name, or what my fricking password is, it’s been that long since I’ve been to the site [can we say 4 computers ago?]). The few messages I did get from the men there really creeped me out. I’m not into being someone’s playtoy or sex object, and if a man isn’t interested in getting to know who I am as a whole person, I don’t have time to waste on him. I had the same problem with Yahoo personals - the men there knew I was fat, I’ve never lied about that. Problem with them was, a fat woman was good enough for a fuck buddy but not good enough to be seen with in public. Fuck that shit. Made me think I was better off being single for the rest of my life and not dating at all. Then I met DH, and he’s not an FA, he just likes women, all kinds of women, all sizes of women. He likes talking to women, and getting to know them and what they think, how they feel. Which is one of the many reasons I married him when he asked me (that and the fact that we have so much in common, we actually can finish each other’s sentences sometimes and will be thinking about doing the same things without talking about it beforehand).
But as with all people, there are good and bad FAs, and it’s wrong to tar them all with the same brush. It’s like saying all black people are criminals or all Mexicans are undocumented immigrants or all Asians are brainiacs or any other stereotype you can come up with for any other marginalized group. Stereotypes may be true for some few people in any one group, but they aren’t true for all people in that group. And those of us in fat acceptance should know that very well - some few of us fit the stereotype of gluttonous, lazy, smelly, stupid pig that society has of us, but many of us do not. So yes, some FAs may be creepy skeeves, but many are not. Sorting the wheat from the chaff is the problem.
vesta,
Stereotypes are not universal, and I thought that in a group beset by stereotypes, this would be universally accepted. But just as there are many gay fat haters, I guess for some people acceptance is to be doled out carefully.
Peace,
Shannon
This point is sort of perpendicular to your main point, but I was reading some of the posts above and it struck me this needed to be said. I hear this comparison a lot but it does not seem to hold up. !!! A number of places actually made gay sex illegal. I don’t see where that’s happened yet in regard to sex with fat people. I don’t want to minimize the discomfort you must feel and I have no doubt it’s real for you, but the fundamental difference between a fat admirer and a fat person is that presumably the fat admirer has a choice of whether to date fat people or not, regardless of pressure. Fat people don’t have a similar choice. If no one will date you because they’re too absorbed in figuring out whether they’re odd for liking you, choice tends to reduce to zilch. Just by virtue of being fat, fat people are exposed. When a fat admirer decides to remain “closeted” because it’s too scary to be “out,” to use the lingo you suggest, what ends up happening is that he or she actually participates in he oppression of fat people. Same thing as when a well-meaning person describes his “preference” as an “oddity.” So that to build an identity around the idea that it’s very difficult to love the one you love… it has always rung hollow to me.
It would be a lot more admirable if you all just stood with fat people in renouncing fat hatred. It’s fat hatred that’s the oppressor for both so-called groups-the fat and their admirers. See, I don’t think there’s any separation, really. And I want to work to make it clear that I believe fat people are as human as anyone else, and to make it possible for everyone to be OK with their bodies. The need to find other “admirers” who feel as you do, to find safety in numbers, is maybe understandable for admirers, but as someone said above, that has little to offer fat people in the way of anything. Gay people stood with gay people in battling queer oppression. It was not “gay admirers.” In a way, we’re all fat. Some of just don’t know it.
So there is a need to understand how fat people are fundamentally embattled in ways that “admirers” cannot be, and to acknowledge that no admirer who chooses to pass fat oppression onto fat people-fat people don’t need to hear you questioning whether you are normal for liking them-should get a pass on being called out for it.
Check out also the fact that some gay people flaunted conventions and finally exploded in revolt against oppression, even at great personal cost in some cases-speaking of comparisons that we can make just in terms of people being human beings, without reducing what they do to their non-essential characteristics.
Phew… the two posts I wrote about Fat Admirers today and yesterday were in response to some very heated criticism I faced in a Facebook group. The gist of their complaints were “All the FAs I’ve meet are creepy!” or “You don’t need this identity.” The discourse rarely rose above that, which is what frustrated me.
This, on the other hand, is a solid, well-reasoned, well-executed critique of the FA identity, and although, as an FA, it is difficult to read, I think its a completely valid point worth discussing.
First, although I have drawn comparisons between the gay community, I thought I took great pains to say that what FAs endure as part of our identity is nothing compared to what gays have gone through (or will go through, even today) or what fat people (women in particular) endure in this fat-phobic culture. I’ve never wanted to draw that false equivalence at all, but I felt like the motivation behind remaining “closeted” in both instances seems similar, if not identical.
Aside from that, I agree with what you’re saying. Fat Admirers who stay in the closet and who are ashamed of their preference, are participating in the oppression of fat people. The reason I called it an “oddity” is because I do believe that having a specific preference for heavier people, particularly in the middle of the Fat Panic, is unusual, it is odd, within a cultural context. But also, because I’ve always felt odd, myself, because of it. One of the definitions of odd is “differing markedly from the usual or ordinary or accepted,” which, I believe, a preference specifically for fat people is. It isn’t odd for someone to fall in love with a fat person, but it is odd for someone to say, “Fatness is one of the physical characteristics I find attractive.” Let’s face it, most of the “oddity” is that a guy would like a fat woman, as women who like fat men is relatively normalized in the media… compare the reception to all of the fat husband/skinny wife sitcoms that go completely uncommented on with the upcoming Melissa McCarthey/Jon Hamm movie that is described as an “unconventional love story.” The fact that I have personally felt “odd” for my preference is because of the culture we’re all swimming in. I’m not immune from those message either.
I agree that Fat Admirers are non-fat fatties (assuming they aren’t already fat, which I am), and that we should be encouraging FAs to join in the fight against oppression. But right now, as I said to M in the other post, the Fat Acceptance community is fairly hostile to FAs. When those within the Fat Acceptance movement are still making generalizations about FAs, then they aren’t going to be eager to out themselves and take pride in their identity.
My hope is that by sharing my experience, people may begin to judge FAs individually, rather than as a whole, and that by doing so they will feel free to come out of the woodwork (so to speak) and join the fight. I don’t want this to be a call to retrenchment. I want to invite them to join the discussion and begin to embrace the diversity of beauty as completely and utterly normal.
Maybe I’m not even there yet, myself, but I know where I want to go.
Thank you for commenting, l, and welcome to Fierce Fatties.
Peace,
Shannon
@l - “Standing with fat people to renounce fat hatred” - surely you know that many of the greatest fat haters are themselves fat? Can we expect support from fat admirers when most fat people do not support fatness/fat acceptance?
There is a LOT that can be learned by a fat admirer from being around other fat admirers. At the very least, some of them can act as bad examples. We tend to seek our own kind - whatever kind that may be - so we can fit in now and then. It helps us de-stress for a time, and renew our energy.
Fat people who are fighting for fat acceptance, male fat admirers who are proud to be seen with their ladies and don’t care what other people think - these are brave people.
As for staunch allies, I’ll take ‘em where I can find ‘em; they don’t have to be fat admirers or even fat.
Another excellent point. We should not judge people by where they are at, since we all start out buying into the cultural messages (either that we, as fat people, are unlovable and hideous and in dire need of change, or else Fat Admirers who are ashamed of their preference), and it is only by education that we get out from under those messages.
I think this, “There is a LOT that can be learned by a fat admirer from being around other fat admirers” is a double-edged sword. FAs can either learn to be creepy and fetishistic and have that Robin Hood Syndrome, where they believe they are “rescuing” fat women with their attention, or else they can learn to normalize their preference, respect (fat) women, and put their preference in the background.
It is difficult for all of us, fatties and FAs alike, to ignore the cultural stew we’re all cooking in. To pave an independent route is difficult and should not be treated as a simple switch you turn on and off. We need to support each other, rather than deciding whose membership is valid, who is “sincere” and who deserves to be here.
Peace,
Shannon
I’m not talking about fat people that hate themselves, Mulberry. Your point seems strangely nihilistic. You seem to be saying that because some fat people hate themselves, the other fat people can’t expect their “admirers” not to be the frontline of passing oppression onto them (as in by deciding it’s too “odd” or “risky” to date a fat person.)
???
But l, just as fat people have to reach a point of self-acceptance, so do Fat Admirers. We’re all fighting media messages.
Peace,
Shannon
@l - SOME fat people?! More like the vast MAJORITY of fat people hate themselves. We are taught from birth to hate ourselves. People who aren’t even fat hate themselves for being fat. Most of these self-haters are women. In a sense, they are oppressing me too, since their “Uncle Tom”-like attitudes cause them to settle for 2nd class treatment, which spills over onto me. However, I can understand where they pick up these attitudes and how they get reinforced.
How do we convince FAs to ally with us when we can’t even convince most of our fat sisters and brothers to do so?
Yes, thanks, Atchka. I had stopped by for some quick reading. It’s alright getting out the ideas….
A couple of things:
1) “The fact that I have personally felt “odd” for my preference is because of the culture we’re all swimming in. I’m not immune from those message either” (from your response to me, above).
No doubt, especially for younger people, a lot of confusion sets in, and that it can be painful. That has little to do with fat people or SA as it stands now, though, in my opinion. I suppose it depends, though, on what you envision for SA. It’s not monolithic, either, and I am sure it will continue to evolve over time. Bottom line, though, fat people right now are a long way off from liberation and being able to afford to focus on others, and I think it’s selfish and counterproductive to expect fat people to be the ones to make it OK for “admirers” to “come out.”
2) Really, if you want to be judged individually, I would think dropping the label and focusing on your (rhetorical “you”) individual contribution would be a good start. The older “admirers” get, the less this idea that it’s difficult to be an admirer floats, and I am asking precisely what defines an admirer if it’s not the need to have a preference validated or confirmed through safety in numbers. If there’s only individual admirers, why talk about an admirer identity and why attempt to have that included in a political movement to change thinking about fat? The air gets even more rarefied when you put the focus on size, fat or thin. What does fat admiration have to do with SA, other than as an affirmation that there are all kinds of people to love out there? And isn’t that something that has to be affirmed through the actions of one person at a time? In fact, I thought that this exactly was key to your own argument, yet we’re coming up with different conclusions, apparently.
I don’t know if I am misunderstanding something key in the FA position. I think I am not, actually, and I wonder how these questions get answered in a serious way that is practical and reality-bound.
l, I never said that fat people should be the ones to make it OK for admirers to come out. That was never my point and if you got that impression, then maybe I need to clarify. As with any sexual self-acceptance, it is up to me to either retrench and burrow deeper into shame and self-loathing, or else work to accept who I am and what I like. I’m completely open about my preference today and none of that was due to my reliance on other people. First I had to accept that I am who I am (which, if anything, means I should give credit to Popeye the Sailor Man), and then I had to learn to stop caring what others thought about who I am. Coincidentally, these are the same steps people must take in Fat Acceptance, and nobody else can make you take those steps. They can encourage you and show you how liberating self-acceptance is, but ultimately any act of self-acceptance is due largely to the efforts of the individual.
As for dropping the label and focusing on my individual contribution… well, I think this blog is a testament to my own, individual contribution to Fat Acceptance. This blog is not about my status as a Fat Admirer, but if you look at the bios, I include my identity in my “five words that describe me” section. The reason I included it is that I am proud that I have reached this level of self-acceptance and I also want to be completely open about who I am. Today, I don’t think its difficult to be an FA at all. Everything I’ve said about the difficulty of being an FA stems from my youth and attempting to navigate the largely unmapped waters of sexual self-acceptance (particularly for someone raised in a sexually repressed Catholic culture).
I don’t believe that Fat Acceptance has to do with SA, per se. However, if we’re talking about the importance of normalization of attraction to fat bodies, then two things need to occur: first, we need to see more non-FAs dating fat people (which is happening more and more), and second, we need more FAs to say, “I am here.” These two particular groups can have two separate effects: the former shows that people with traditional sexual identities aren’t disgusted by or avoiding fat people. As you said, this affirms the stance in SA that all bodies can be loved; the latter shows that contrary to popular belief, some people do find large bodies exclusively attractive. Current beliefs claim that “nobody” is attracted to fat people. While we can point to those with traditional sexual identities as proof to the contrary, the anti-fat person would then suggest they were “settling” or maybe the fat person got fat while they were together or give any number of excuses why their attraction isn’t legitimate. FAs, meanwhile, can say that, no, this isn’t a fluke, this isn’t a temporary setback on our quest to finding the ideal thin person, and that there is a diversity of attraction out there. FAs can be used to challenge traditional thinking on attraction and beauty in ways that fat people themselves cannot without faces skepticism and ridicule.
But FAs are only small part of what is the goal of SA: to normalize the sexuality of fat people so that all fat people can feel attractive themselves. I’m not advocating that FAs are the validation gatekeepers for fat attractiveness, but are part of a whole range of viewpoints that reinforces the belief that fat people are sexy too.
My hope as an open and proud FA is to help young FAs to embrace their sexuality in a healthy and positive way. Right now, the only outlet for FAs is pretty much Dimensions Magazine, which I believe is an insular and disordered community that encourages exploitation and manipulation of women, some of whom are insecure and susceptible to the attention of these lampreys. My hope is to take Fat Admiration out of the shadows and to encourage “closeted” FAs to embrace their identity and pursue their interests in a healthy and mutually respectful way. The only way we can do that is by eliminating the stigma and welcoming them out of the shadows.
At this juncture, I think it is accurate to say that a primary attraction to fat bodies is unusual in this culture. As such, we have to try that much harder to help those who believe that being in the minority is the same as being deviant or “strange” or “odd” in the connotative senses of the words. It is odd if we’re talking strictly about the ratio of FAs to traditional attraction to smaller bodies, but it’s not odd in the “weirdo” way that the word can also mean.
Peace,
Shannon
“But l, just as fat people have to reach a point of self-acceptance, so do Fat Admirers. We’re all fighting media messages.”
Regardless, Atchka, when you opt to cave in to those messages, you are perpetuating fat-body oppression, no matter how contrite you are or how much in pain. That is a choice that has to be owned up to as a choice that fat people don’t have. Fat self-hatred is a reaction to messages we receive, apparently even from people who would rather be making out with us. The comparison doesn’t hold. Many “admirers” get messages from the culture and pass them on to fat people when they choose to deny their preferences out of shame. Others don’t deny it, yet still manage to convey how freaky they think it all is. They like the transgression they perceive in it more than the people themselves. It’s the other side of the shame coin.
I’m sure I’m not covering all of the ground here, but still don’t know what else defines FA identity for you, other than this idea that it should be confirmed and validated before it can bloom. If it’s as simple as self-acceptance, don’t “FAs” benefit just as much as fat people from promoting the cause of SA? I’m not sure, but I think sometimes it becomes a matter of who’s in the spotlight. Somehow it may be assumed that SA benefits only fat people, and that therefore there are FA-sized holes in SA movement. Dunno.
l,
Does anyone really “opt to cave in to those messages” or are we grown up into those messages? I believe the traditional attraction is a default status that we are all trained to accept from an early age. It’s not like at age 5 I felt my first attraction to fat bodies and said, “No, no, this isn’t what society likes, so I will ignore it.” Same as when I had the crush on eighth grade girl, I didn’t feel that intense attraction and suppress it willfully out of shame or guilt. I struggled to understand why I was different and whether I wanted to be. As with fat people, FAs are raised to believe the same things about the worth and attractiveness of fat bodies, and we must gradually chip away at those beliefs until we free ourselves from external coercion.
I don’t think that most FAs like the transgression they perceive more than the people themselves. What I am proud of, as an FA, is overcoming the perceived transgression and doing I felt naturally in spite of the fears I had. I loathed being obliged to the opinions of others. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do, and it wasn’t until I said, “Fuck their opinions” that I found happiness, both with myself and in my romantic life.
And yes, FAs do benefit just as much as fat people in promoting SA. I don’t need my FA identity to be in the spotlight, and I rarely bring it up outside of discussions of attraction and sexuality. My primary role as a Fat Activist is to help all people, and primarily fat people, educate themselves on the dangers of self-loathing and to find the path of self-acceptance, which is similar for both fat people and FAs, as I explained in another comment. My focus is not on making FAs more comfortable, but in making fat as natural a state as being tall or short or thin. By focusing on the big picture, it provides both fat people and FAs an opportunity to get out from under the burden of judgement, both from others and themselves.
Peace,
Shannon
One last thing: It’s not just media messages we’re fighting, though I think that’s a good place to start.
We’re fighting ***our own worst instincts*** to buy into and pass those messages on, too, as when we don’t resist actively, we quickly become part of the problem. That’s the key, and nothing will ever change if we continue to buy into diets and be ashamed of our bodies or the bodies we like. There’s got to be a strong element of self-accountability in this.
Yes, but self-accountability can only matter once a person is educated fully on the options available to him or her. So, we must focus on education before we begin to expect self-accountability.
Peace,
Shannon