The Most Wonderful Time of the Year: An Ode to the Fat Man
If you were to come barging into my home uninvited over the last several weeks, you would have found my normally-feuding family cuddled up around one of our television sets watching an endless stream of feel-good holiday movies.
From what I can imagine are the looks on your faces right now, I am deducing that everyone is rolling their eyes and using their internal monologue to say something like this: “Here we go again. Now she’s on about Christmas like it’s the only freaking holiday in the universe. This diverse and many splendored world we live in, and all she can talk about is what SHE celebrates. God I hate her. Someone stab her for me.”
Ahem.
Well, honestly I’m hoping you’re not actually saying that, and in my defense I can actually speak limited Hebrew (I swear this is true. My kids attended, and I worked for many years, at a Jewish Day Pre-School) and have been known to occasionally go on a tirade about how we need to embrace the beliefs of all people.
Today, however, is not that day.
And that is because we are here to celebrate a time of year that revolves around a seemingly short, but very awesome fat man.
Santa Claus.
He’s like the husband you always wanted in that he gives you everything on your list without an extended debate that lasts well into the night, plus he’s sporting some impressive facial hair.
Warm goodies to eat, hot cocoa to scarf down, and Kris Kringle to fatten up. Mrs. Claus said it best during the Rankin/Bass claymation classic “EAT POPPA EAT! No one likes a skinny Santa.”
See how happy?
So, I hope this season sees you happy, warm and with family and friends, no matter what you celebrate. May you enjoy the big guy as much as I do.
Getting into the spirit of things - remember that this short, fat man can deliver presents to all the children of the world in one night, and that he’s supervised/helped the elves who made those presents during the previous year (and anyone who thinks making that many toys/supervising the elves is an easy job has never had to make anything/supervise anyone). So I would say that Santa definitely meets the definition of fat and fit
The fat man gets no respect, I tell ya. Have you seen that commercial for Best Buy, where Santa goes to put something in the stocking, but there’s no room, and the mother (?) is standing there saying, all snarky and shit, “Aaaaaaw, I didn’t leave any room for you.”
Listen, lady… Santa gives you shit for FREE and you’re taunting him because you went out and bought a bunch of shit from Best Buy with your own money? Back the fuck off!
Poor Santa gets shat on so bad.
Peace,
Shannon
Hey! What are you doing here? How come I wasn’t informed you started hanging around here? I feel like a middle school kid that just discovered that the girl he talks to in Algebra has an alter ego that hangs out in the Pizza Hut parking lot.