‘Twas the Night Before Fat Acceptance

Clement Clarke Moore’s classic holiday poem has been parodied many times and a lot of them have to do with dieting. So I thought I would write my own version, where Santa Claus isn’t scolded for eating all those cookies and milk or told he has high cholesterol and blood pressure, but instead is a Fat Acceptance advocate. So put another yule log on the fire, fix yourself a hot cup of cocoa and turn on Nat King Cole as I give you this lovely rhyme:

‘Twas the night before Christmas and I sat in my house,
Wishing I could be as small as a mouse.
The phone number to Weight Watchers hung on the fridge,
In case I decided to partake in another holiday binge.

I knew as soon as I got snuggled in my bed,
Visions of sugar cookies and pumpkin pies would dance in my head.
So I sat on the couch with a diet soda in my lap,
Realizing it was going to be another long winter of dieting — oh crap!

Then all of a sudden I heard someone chatter,
“Y0u don’t need to diet, being fat shouldn’t matter!”
I sprung from the couch to see who cried out,
Standing there by the fridge was Saint Nick, looking festive and stout.

I walked up to him and I started to cry,
“Society thinks I should get thin or die!”
With a shake of his head he gently squeezed my hand and said,
“Being fat doesn’t mean you have to live a life full of dread.

I’ve been this way for many a year,
Except for a few misguided fools at Fox News no one seems to care.
They like my broad face and my round little belly,
Which shakes when I laugh like a bowlful of jelly.

I can squeeze down chimneys and I work hard all year,
To give kids and their families tons of Christmas cheer.
The reindeer don’t whine when they have to pull my sleigh,
Mrs. Claus and the elves don’t care how much I weigh.

So stop the self-loathing! Enjoy your fruitcake,
Tell those miserable fat shamers to go jump in a lake!
Throw out your scale and shout to the world,
It’s my body not yours and I’m proud to be a big girl!”

I started to smile and it turned into a wide grin,
As I quickly realized to be happy I didn’t need to be thin.
If Saint Nick can be fat than I can be too,
I’ll dance and I’ll move and who cares if someone yells “MOO!”

With a wink and a nod Saint Nick quickly disappeared,
Forgetting to thank him for dissolving my fears.
But I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all… and being fat is all right!”

Have a wonderful holiday everyone!