Valentine Rejects
With the big V-day at hand, my thoughts inevitably turn to love and romance. I started thinking about the whole dating scene (and being so incredibly thankful that I’m not in the midst of it anymore, due to a contented state of matrimony) and some of the situations I encountered when I was single, young, and, naturally, fat.
I’ll never forget this one time… it was so offensive, but comical at the same time, that I just had to laugh. I was a teenager and I was hanging out with a couple of my girlfriends on the corner. One of my friends (the thin, pretty one) ran into a guy she knew, who happened to be with his own friend, who was this chubby, awkward, dorky guy (he wasn’t dorky because he was chubby — he was just dorky because he was a dork). We started talking with them – well, it wasn’t really a mutual conversation, to be fair. My friend’s acquaintance was really only interested in talking to her, which he did, and ignored me and my other thin, not-as-pretty friend.
Then the dorky guy starts talking about how there is some car show going on that weekend and he actually had the balls to ask my thin, pretty friend if she wanted to go (which was like asking Donald Trump if he wants to eat at McDonald’s). Naturally, she said no, but this guy was not to be deterred. Next, he turned to my other friend, the thin, not-as-pretty one, and asked her if she wanted to go. She said no.
Then — get this — he turns to ME and mumbles, “How about you?” I was so appalled that I didn’t even answer him. I just shook my head, chuckled, and walked away with my friends, thinking, The fucking nerve of this guy! I could not believe his audacity. Did he honestly think I would say yes after being his obvious third choice and last resort? I had to give him credit for his temerity, if nothing else, but that incident always stayed with me, and just reinforced how big girls are always picked last, if at all.
Another time, not too long afterward (I was in my late teens) I went out with my sexy, hunky neighbor. I’d been eyeing him for ages and used to joke around with his married uncle, who came to visit his family often and flirt with me across the fence. He kind of “encouraged” his sexy, hunky nephew to ask me out, which he did, and he took me in his hot sports car to some dive bar. That’s not what bothered me, because at the time I could care less where we drank, as long as I didn’t get busted for being underage (which I was). What bothered me was when we were going into the place, he walked ahead of me and let the door swing shut behind him, right in my face. I literally stopped in my tracks and thought: WTF? Then he opened the door and looked at me curiously, as if to say, What’s the holdup? I realized then just how uninterested he really was and I also realized it was due to my size. His complete lack of manners and interest really erased any appeal he had for me at that point, despite his skintight jeans and hot body. He even tried to hit on my friend (the same thin, pretty one in the story above) right in front of me once. Would he have done so had I been thin like her? I seriously doubt it.
I realize that thin women aren’t immune to jerks either, but I believe that large women encounter them far more often. I still remember the complete lack of interest from guys my own age, and how easily they were captivated by my friends with the “right” bodies. How absolutely devoted they were to the girls with the right-sized jeans, no matter how bitchy, stupid, or superficial they were.
Thankfully, once I was able to detect these kind of boys/men (men like this really are still boys) I was able to narrow my focus to the men who did appreciate and deserve me, start developing a memory bank full of great romantic memories, and eventually meet the man who was to become my husband. But lemme tell ya, these two little stories are nothing compared to some others I could tell you. But let’s save those for another time.
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sigh, such painful memories I have of being the fat, smart, funny did I mention fat? redhead in the midst of the coveted thin some not as smart, some not as funny other not freckled girls…I used to fantasize that if the guys were blindfolded like in a game show, like the dating game, and had to choose who they wanted to spend time with based on everything but what we looked like, that perhaps I would have been chosen more frequently. And yet, I didn’t want to make my girlfriends feel badly because they were having all the fun. It wasn’t their fault….yup, painful horrible memories. Happy they are in the past, and hopeful that our daughters may grow up in a world where bodies aren’t their sole asset…whether they are thin or fat. Thanks for writing this!
Thanks, dr deah! It sure would have been interesting if those guys were blindfolded … I definitely would have been picked more often. Oh well. Life has a way of weeding out people who aren’t good for you … even though you may not know it at the time. When I was younger, I thought being rejected by guys like this was the end of the world … now I realize it was a godsend. What a difference a decade makes!
I’m gonna say this: I envy you so much. I’m trying to create the memory bank you talk about and so far it’s not working. All I have to “rely on” when it comes to dating memories is being, well, not picked. And then when I did date (if dating is what that could be called, because trust me, it wasn’t, really) there was always this idea, this clear awareness that I was ugly/ugly in society’s eyes anyway so I felt I had to make up for it.
Wanna leave this for readers perhaps in the same place (TRIGGER WARNING WEIGHT LOSS): I lost a bunch of weight. 130lbs to be exact. Now I’m still overweight but not obese. It didn’t change a thing. Not one bit, when it comes to the opposite sex. You might think about that, reader entertaining the fantasy of being thin(ner). I think part of it is I actually am shaped “not like your usual lady” as in I’m apple shaped and strong (yay hormonal imbalance). Part of it is the insecurity. And I just don’t know how to get over the insecure part? Because being rejected is all I’ve ever known. I see this whole “you need to have confidence” thing but I gotta ask… how d’you build that in a vacuum? Men just don’t look at me… and to be honest I’m tired of trying to get them to and I am, yes, at 32 I’m bitter and angry and sad… because I keep reading stories saying things got better and it’s like… Nope, never gonna get better for me.
I wish there were actual practical tips for that out there.
I totally understand, angryapple. I felt the same way for many, many, many years. In high school, I was always falling for guys who had no interest in me — I guess they were the typical jocks or just goodlooking guys with no substance who just wanted thinner girls. Then, when I got into my 20s, again I fell for superficial guys — guys who looked good but were snobs as far as their potential lover partners were concerned. Believe me, it was not easy finding an open-minded guy … I met my husband through a friend. I couldn’t believe it when I saw how goodlooking he was and that he actually told me he liked big girls. Not only that — he was an angel personality-wise. I guess I got lucky. I was in the right place at the right time. Nowadays, as bad a reputation as the internet has, I still think it’s the most viable place for a big girl to find a date. We are so often dismissed in the singles bar venues or other public places that by odds it really is the best place to find someone. Of course you have to be careful — there are so many predators out there who are looking for lonely women to take advantage of. But you are a smart woman and you can figure out who is a genuine candidate and who is not. have you tried the internet? It is such a vast resource — I can’t believe you wouldn’t be able to find one guy who would like to date you. You need to find a guy who both likes big girls and who you are compatible with personality-wise. I know I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. But I want to stress to you how completely I understand your situation. It is not easy for us big girls looking for love. But I truly believe it is not impossible. Please don’t give up. Keep trying.
Yes.
I didn’t date in high school and through most of university for the same reason. People were falling over themselves to be my friend, but it was my thinner friends who were always in relationships. Very painful.
Absolutely. Among the guys I hung out with, I had the reputation as the “fun one” or the one they could get drunk and high with … nobody to date though. That was unthinkable. It was very painful. And lonely. But I was looking in all the wrong places … I know that now.
I appreciated these stories, but I’m more interested in the last bit. How did you find men who respected/deserved you? Where are they?? My story is similar to Angryapple’s, and it is so frustrating to see that you are not the “right shape” and that you’re “ugly” in the eyes of society as well as being fat. I’m not sure how to be as fat and fabulous as I’d like to be. I’m not sure where to get the confidence from when not one man has ever shown interest in me.
It’s a tricky game to play. I have to constantly try to boost my confidence on my own when there’s so much “evidence” to the contrary! I’ve almost pulled myself completely out of the game and I often feel like an asexual observer: other people date, but not me. This has been fine for a while, but I am getting older and I want to have some fun and find someone to love.
I agree with Angryapple. I wish there were some more practical tips, but what could they possibly include? Love is tricky, and maybe it is a miracle for anyone to find. I try to keep that in mind and to not get jealous or bitter. I know there are a lot of factors that go into starting a relationship beyond the issue of attraction. And I know I still have to change the way I think about some things dramatically.(A fat friend of mine recently started a whirlwind relationship and my first thought was “What?! But she’s fat!” I don’t know why I have this thing in my head where because I’m fat and can’t find love that no one else can either. That has definitely got to change!)
agnes, I’d like to reiterate to you what I said to angryapple above, but add this (I forgot to say this to her): Confidence is incredibly attractive. If you truly believe that you are one sexy, beautiful, hot mama … believe me, other people will too. Somebody — the right person — will pick up on it. You have to find things about yourself that you like and accentuate them … and we all have attractive features. With me, it was my boobs and hair, lol.
I always knew both were fabulous and guys always noticed them and complimented me on them from time to time. I know that’s just the physical aspect of it … but that is important. Guys are visual creatures. Ask Shannon — right, Shannon? 
You guys love to see us all dressed up and looking hot! Don’t be ashamed to showcase your blessings. Celebrate them. I hope that’s helpful because the thought of you two ladies not having dates is outrageous. THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR YOU. Believe it. Hone your perception skills, cast your net, and get out there.
I’ve dated on and off through my life, thin guys and stocky guys - I’m pickier about personality than about body type or height. I’ve had my share of crap relationships, but overall it’s not been bad.
My current b/f is a geek, we met playing an online game and were friends first, we started flirting and eventually started dating. I’m short, broad shouldered and fat, he’s tall and skinny, but more importantly he’s good at making me a better me.
There are decent guys out there to suit all tastes, some of them are just hiding in odd places or don’t socialise very well (mine spends lots of time in front of the computer).
I found that when I accepted myself more and was comfortable being single it was easier to get to know people and develop a full relationship. Good luck someone who suits you, but make sure you know what you really want - wisest romance film I’ve seen in decades was Shrek - Fiona got the best guy for her.